


Livin' on a Prayer

by AtLoLevad



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-19 07:36:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2380175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtLoLevad/pseuds/AtLoLevad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Halstead gets called back to the Rangers. Lindsay is there for him. Rated for later chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

September 29, 2014

Dear Staff Sergeant Halstead,

It is with great pride that the United States Army Rangers call upon you to return from Reserve Duty to fight a tour. The U.S Army will reimburse you for travel expenses to travel from your current location to Fort Lee, Virginia.

We expect your arrival at Fort Lee before October 20th.

We await confirmation of your receipt of this letter. Do not delay in response.

Sergeant Major Michael Rider

Halstead's hands shook as he read the letter a third time, and then a tenth time. His fingers released the heavy stationary, his call to duty floating gently to the floor.

Fuck.

His hands were still shaking, and his fingertips were growing cold.

No.

"Why?" he muttered out loud, a growing feeling of dread taking place in his gut. Stepping over the letter, Jay moved robotically into his kitchen, pulling down a glass, any glass, and grabbing the bottle of whiskey from the counter.

He downed a shot, and then another, and then another before slamming the glass onto the counter and abandoning the alcohol for his couch.

The Army Rangers.

He was going back.

"Fuck," he ground out, dropping his head to his hands and resting his elbows on his knees, "Fuck."

His cell phone rang, vibrating against the kitchen counter.

Sighing heavily, Jay pushed himself to his feet and strode to grab the phone before it could click over to voicemail.

"Halstead," he answered without looking at the called ID.

"I hope to God you haven't gotten drunk yet," Lindsay's raspy voice filled his ears, "We picked up a body. I'm two minutes from you."

Lindsay. He was going to have to leave her.

"Not drunk," Jay responded, "I'll be ready when you get here."

Lindsay said something in response, but Halstead's mind was already a million miles away.

He shoved his phone into his pocket and clipped his badge and gun back on. He probably smelled a little like the whiskey he had drunk, but three shots was no where near enough to put him off his game.

Nevertheless, he went into his bedroom and swiped on some more deodorant and swished some Listerine in his mouth. That was going to have to do for now.

There was a thumping on his door a few seconds later, accompanied by Lindsay's shouting, "Halstead, get a move on! Voight's already there."

Jay opened his door mid-knock, Lindsay's momentum causing her to almost fall over.

Jay caught her arm, grinning, the letter from the Army already forgotten, "Jesus, Lindsay, sure you're not the drunk one?"

Lindsay narrowed her eyes and smirked at him, "Warn a girl before you open the door on her."

"I'll keep you waiting next time, then," Jay grinned, nudging Lindsay out the door and pulling it shut behind him.

"Don't you dare," Lindsay laughed, poking his arm, "You know how much I hate waiting."

Didn't stop you from waiting for Severide at Molly's two days ago, Jay thought, but didn't say.

Instead he shrugged, "You could learn a little patience, wouldn't kill ya."

Lindsay grinned at him and climbed into the front seat of her car, "We'll never know, because I'm never going to be patient."

Her words triggered something in Jay's brain.

Patience. He was going to have to learn Army patience all over again.

"Yeah," he said, his voice sounding funny, "You'll never be patient. Voight basically raised you and that man's got zero patience."

Lindsay looked at him out of the corner of her eye, "Halstead, you okay?"

Jay nodded, "Yeah, just fine. Why?"

She shook her head, "No…nothing. Never mind."

They were both quiet as Lindsay pulled up to the crime scene and maneuvered her car into a spot next to Voight's.

Jay got out of the car, watching Lindsay out of the corner of his eye.

He wondered if she'd be patient waiting for him to finish his tour.

Falling into step behind her, Halstead shook his head. He shouldn't – wasn't fucking allowed to, thanks to Voight – think like that. Besides she was happy with Severide and the fireman was a decent enough guy.

"Hey," Lindsay's hand brushed against his side, gaining his attention, "You seem distracted."

"I'm fine," Jay said, eyes on Voight. The older man was watching them intently, waiting for Jay to make the wrong move towards Lindsay.

Lindsay scoffed and raised an eyebrow, "Yeah, okay. I'm here when you want to talk though."

She squeezed his arm and headed off towards Voight.

She might be here, but would he? Jay wondered.


	2. Chapter 2

Halstead was distracted for the rest of the night and barely made a comment when Lindsay dropped him back at his apartment early the morning.

"Meet me for breakfast?" Lindsay asked as Halstead climbed out of the passenger seat. Maybe plying him with bacon and pancakes would get him talking.

Halstead looked back at Lindsay quickly and nodded, "Sounds good to me."

He wanted to get in as much time with her as possible before he left.

Lindsay smiled tiredly, "Good. It'll be my treat."

When Halstead didn't comment, Lindsay knew something was wrong. He just gave her a two finger wave and went up to his apartment.

Lindsay frowned as she watched Halstead's retreating back. Come hell or high water she was going to find out what was bothering him.

 

 

Jay stooped to pick up the discarded Army letter after he closed and locked the door behind him.

He scanned the words again.

October 20th.

Just under a month.

How the fuck was he going to tell Voight?

He crumpled the letter in his fist and dropped it onto the hall table.

Voight had told them all to be back at the precinct by 9:30, so they could get a few hours of sleep.

Jay stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed. He stared at the ceiling, trying to block out the images from his last tour.

He hadn't had nightmares in months, despite some of the horrible things they saw on the job.

But just the thought of going back...there...sent his imagination into overdrive. Every horrible thing that he saw in Afghanistan was not brought to the front of his mind.

The tapping of the tree outside against his window was as loud as gunshots.

The shadows being thrown across the room by passing cars were hidden insurgents.

He shuddered in bed when a car backfired. It could have been an IED explosion.

Jay flipped on his TV. It was going to be a long night.

 

 

Jay finally got out of bed at 8 to shower. He figured that he'd gotten maybe three hours of sleep.

He yawned as he scrubbed shampoo into his short hair. There was definitely going to be a large cup of coffee in his future.

He sighed, leaning his head against the cool shower tile, the hot water streaming down his back.

Going back was going to be difficult. He didn't want to leave his life in Chicago. He loved his job and his friends.

And Erin...a voice in the back of his mind whispered.

"Stop," he told himself out loud, "Voight made the rule. Follow it."

He rinsed off the last of the soap and stepped out of the shower.

He was wrapping a towel around his waist while he walked into his bedroom.

"I was wondering when you'd be done."

"Shit!" Halstead grabbed at his chest and glared, "Lindsay! You can't just break into a guy's place. No matter how bad you want to sleep with him."

Lindsay smirked, "In your dreams, buddy. And I didn't break it. You keep a key in the plant outside."

Jay grimaced, "Turn around or cover your eyes or something. I want to get dressed."

Lindsay grinned wolfishly, "Nothing I haven't seen before."

"Yeah, you haven't seen it on me though," Halstead grumbled, "Cover your eyes."

Lindsay laughed and put her hands over her eyes, "Get dressed fast. I want breakfast."

"No looking," Halstead said, grabbing a pair of briefs and a t-shirt.

Lindsay laughed, "Come on, Halstead. I'm not looking."

He scoffed and moved into the bathroom. Once he was covered, he went back into the bedroom, "So, why are you here?"

Lindsay flopped back against the messy sheets, "Breakfast. Remember?"

Halstead pulled on a pair of Levi's, "Yeah, I remember. I also remember telling you I'd meet you."

Lindsay was quiet, admiring the way Halstead's muscles moved as he pulled a long sleeved shirt over his head.

"I... Something's up with you, Halstead, and I want to know what it is," she finally said, as Halstead pulled on a pair of sneakers.

Jay looked up at her, "Hey, nothing's up. I promise."

Lindsay chewed on the inside of her cheek. She didn't buy it. But maybe, just maybe, she shouldn't push this one.

"Okay," she pushed off from the bed, "I'll wait inside, but make sure you brush your teeth. You stink."

"Thanks!" Halstead called as she made her way into the living room.

He shook his head, a small smile on his face as he went about the rest of his morning routine.

 

Lindsay peeked back through the doorway. The bathroom door was closed, so Halstead would be distracted for a little bit.

Perfect time to snoop, she grinned.

If Halstead wasn't going to talk to her, she was going to find out in a different way.

She quickly, but methodically worked her way through his living room.

"Where are you hiding your secret, Halstead?" She murmured to herself. Lindsay stood, hands on her hips, in the middle of the living room, looking for something that was out of place.

There was a pile of old newspapers on the coffee table, dirty dishes and mugs resting on the kitchen counters, and –aha!- a crumpled up piece of paper on the hall table.

Quickly looking to make sure Halstead was still occupied, Lindsay grabbed the paper and smoothed it out against the wall.

As she read it, her eyes widened and her mouth fell open.

"Oh," she mumbled.

"What are you looking at? And it better not be my credit card bill," Halstead said, clipping his badge and gun to his belt as he walked out of his bedroom.

Lindsay turned to him, big hazel eyes full of sadness, the crumpled letter shaking in her hand.

Halstead groaned, "Fuck, please tell me that's not what I think it is?"

"Were you going to tell me? Were you going to tell any of us, or were you just going to be gone come October 20th?" Lindsay asked, trying to keep her voice calm and emotionless.

Jay stepped forward and moved to take the letter from Lindsay's hand, but she snatched it away.

"Answer me, Halstead," she snapped.

Jay groaned, "Of course I was going to tell you. I just got the fucking letter yesterday. I didn't even process it myself."

Lindsay looked down, "Sorry… I just…you have to go don't you?"

Halstead nodded, "Yeah. I don't want to though."

Hazel eyes met blue ones, "How long will you be gone?"

Halstead shrugged, 'Probably long enough for you to break in a new partner."

"I'm still breaking you in," Lindsay laughed, "I can't deal with someone brand new."

Halstead rolled his eyes, "You know I'm the best partner in the world. Now I thought you were treating me to breakfast?"

"That was only so I could find out what was bothering you," Lindsay smiled, "Now that I know, I don't have to treat you to anything."

"Wow," Halstead laughed, hip checking Lindsay on his way to the door, "That's a really nice way to treat a Ranger."

"I can't just start treating you differently now," Lindsay trailed a step behind Halstead, "What would that do to my reputation?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here we are, my loves. Chapter 2. I was blown away by the amazing response to chapter 1, like really. your reviews just made me so stinking happy.
> 
> This chapter actually came to me really quickly. I had fun writing it.
> 
> So now Erin knows about the Rangers, but no one else does. I'm trying to decide if I want to show Jay telling everyone else, or if I want to skip time a little bit. Let me know if you have any preferences in your review =)
> 
> Um, that's pretty much it. I hope you like it and CPD IS TOMORROW! MORE LINSTEAD AND BURZEK AHHHH


	3. Chapter 3

"So you know you have to tell Voight and the guys, right?" Lindsay said, forking a piece of pancake and waving it in the air.

Halstead sighed, "Yeah, Lindsay, I know. I've still got some time before I leave."

She shrugged and chewed on her pancake, "Yeah, but Voight won't be happy if you wait until the week before to tell him."

Halstead avoided answering by taking a sip of his coffee.

Lindsay kicked his shin under the table.

"Ow!" He jumped, spilling coffee on his hand, "What was that for?"

Halstead wiped up the spilled coffee and licked the drops from his hand.

Lindsay's lip curled, "That's gross, number one. Number two, you can't avoid telling Voight and the rest of them. You need time to adjust, but so do we."

Halstead smiled wryly, "You gonna miss me, Detective Lindsay?"

Lindsay laughed into her mug of coffee, "What do you think?"

"I think you're gonna miss me," Halstead smiled, forking some eggs.

"I'm not confirming anything," Lindsay rasped, "But I still think you should tell everyone sooner rather than later."

"I will," Halstead promised, pulling out his wallet, "Finish up. We better get going."

"I thought I was supposed to treat?" Lindsay asked, leaning back in her seat.

Halstead shrugged, dropping a few bills on the table, "You can throw my going away party."

"Not fair," Lindsay protested as they got up from the table, "There'll be booze there and that's expensive."

Halstead grinned as he held open the door, "I want the good stuff too. It'll show me just how much you'll miss me."

Lindsay's hand brushed his side as she walked past, a habit that she'd developed to make sure he was near her during raids.

"Oh so if we're basing the quality of the booze on how much I'll miss you you're getting purple wine in a box," she laughed, walking to her car.

"Joke's on you, Lindsay," Halstead laughed, "Purple wine in a box is my favorite."

Lindsay laughed as she got into her car, pulling away a few seconds later.

Halstead climbed into his car and followed her to the precinct, a smile on his face the whole way. Lindsay had the unique ability of getting him to forget about his current predicament.

 

 

"What do we know about this guy?" Voight tapped the mug shot taped to the white board.

"Rap sheet a mile long," Ruzek offered, "Started when he was 14, shoplifting, underage drinking."

"Escalated to rape and assault by the time he was 20," Atwater finished.

"This piece of shit's only 23?" Al asked, flipping through the file sitting on his desk.

"Yeah," Voight said, "And I want him off the streets. He's involved with the gangs and we don't need another murder for no reason."

"Well where is he?" Lindsay asked, tossing her grenade paperweight from hand to hand.

"He have any family?" Voight growled.

"Brother and father are both dead," Antonio said, reading from his computer, "Mom is in the area."

"Al, Ruzek," Voight pointed at the partners, "Go, find out what you can."

Olinsky and Ruzek pushed away from their desks and traipsed down the stairs.

"The rest of you," Voight said, "Find out as much as you can on Hayes."

He turned and stormed into his office, slamming the door shut behind him.

Antonio raised his eyebrow, "He's taking this one seriously."

Lindsay nodded, "We need this guy off the streets."

The squad room was quiet save for the sound of frantic typing.

Lindsay looked around quickly and rolled her chair over so she was closer to Halstead.

"Go tell him," she whispered.

Halstead looked at her, "Are you crazy? He's pissed off at the case right now. I'm not bothering him with my stuff."

Antonio and Atwater watched curiously as the partners bickered silently.

"He'd want to know," Lindsay whispered back, "Seriously, go tell him."

"No," Halstead whispered angrily, "Give me time to process. I'll tell him by the end of the week."

Antonio smiled to himself when both Halstead and Lindsay pushed away from their desks and went into Voight's office, Halstead dragging his feet a little.

"Hey, Atwater," Antonio called, "Looks like our girl won that fight."

Atwater grinned, "I'll add it to the tally."

He pulled open his desk drawer and took out a pad of paper. Antonio watched as he added a tally mark under the "Lindsay" column.

 

 

Lindsay practically shoved Halstead through Voight's office door and stood next to him.

Voight looked up, "The only reason you two should be in here right now is to tell me that you found Hayes."

Halstead shook his head, "Yeah, we didn't find him. Not yet anyway."

"Then why are you in here?" Voight leaned back in his chair and then immediately leaned forward, "You two'd better not be hooking up. I warned you about that."

"Yeah, we know," Halstead grimaced.

Lindsay glanced quickly at Halstead, but didn't say anything. Instead she nudged his leg with her foot and tilted her head towards Voight.

Voight frowned, "What the hell's going on here?"

Halstead coughed, "I… got called back from the reserves. I'm supposed to be in Virginia on October 20th."

Voight slowly leaned back in his chair, "Well, shit, Halstead."

"Gee, thanks," Halstead said wryly, "That was definitely the reaction I was looking for."

Voight narrowed his eyes, "What the hell do you want me to say, Halstead?"

Jay shrugged, "Am I still gonna have a job if I come back?"

"When," Lindsay jumped in immediately, "When you come back."

Halstead glanced at her, a smile playing on the edges of his lips.

Voight noticed Halstead's reaction, but didn't say anything.

"Of course you'll have a job, Halstead. I don't make habits of getting rid of good detectives."

Halstead nodded, "Thanks, boss."

"You gonna work up until you leave, or you want the week before off?" Voight asked.

"Haven't thought about it," Halstead shrugged, "Can I get back to you?"

Voight nodded, "Yeah, you can. Now both of you, get back to work."

Lindsay and Halstead nodded and headed back to their desks.

"I'm glad you told him," Lindsay whispered before they sat down.

"I guess I am too," Halstead whispered back.

"Hey!" Antonio called, "What was that about?" He jerked his thumb in the direction of Voight's office.

Lindsay looked at Halstead and widened her eyes, asking the silent question, 'Do you want to tell them now?'

Halstead shook his head slightly, and said, "Nothing. Just, uh, something Voight needed to know."

Atwater raised an eyebrow, "Are you two…you know?" He whistled.

Simultaneously, Halstead and Lindsay made exclamations of denial.

"No! Are you kidding me? Voight threatened my balls if I slept with her. I like my balls right where they are."

"Seriously? I have a boyfriend!"

Atwater held up his hands in surrender, "Alright, alright, sorry."

Antonio snorted, "You gotta learn, Atwater."

 

 

"A toast!" Lindsay grinned, "To Ruzek for that spectacular take down of Hayes."

The team all lifted their shots into the air and chimed, "To Ruzek!" before downing the alcohol and slamming the shot glasses back on the table.

Ruzek grinned, "It was nothing."

Atwater laughed, "Yeah sure, 'cause tackling the guy after sliding down an awning after climbing out the second floor widow is nothing."

Burgess grinned, but there was mild fear in her eyes, "That's what you did to take him down?"

Ruzek scratched the back of his neck, "Yeah. I kind of did it and then thought about it later."

"Idiot," Burgess said, shaking her head, one hand sliding under the table to squeeze Ruzek's thigh.

Lindsay squeezed out of the booth and grabbed Halstead's arm, "Let's go grab the next round."

Halstead heaved a pretend sigh and followed her to the bar, "You know, you've become much bossier since you found out about my leaving."

"Pft," Lindsay scoffed, "Not a chance. Besides, I wasn't bossy to begin with."

She held up six fingers to let the bartender know how many drinks she wanted.

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that," Halstead muttered under his breath.

"Are you going to tell everyone?" Lindsay asked, passing three mugs of beer to Halstead and taking the remaining three.

Halstead heaved a real sigh, "Why the hell are you so intent on me telling everyone? I literally found out three days ago."

Lindsay lifted one shoulder, "I don't know. We're a family. Shouldn't we all know?"

She had a point.

Halstead nodded, "Okay, I'll tell them now. Unless, of course, you want to do the honors?"

"It's your news, Halstead," she smirked, "Wouldn't want to step on your toes."

"You were plenty happy to step on my toes at the undercover gala last month," Halstead called to her retreating back.

Lindsay tossed a smile over her shoulder at him.

 

 

Halstead waited for everyone to be halfway through their beers before he cleared his throat.

"Uh, since we're all here," he started, "I have an announcement."

The rest of the team stopped talking and looked at Halstead. Lindsay reached over and touched his side, reminding him that she was there.

"Uh, a couple of days ago, I got…" Halsted paused, "I'm going back to the Rangers."

"What?" Antonio said, beer stein halfway to his lips.

"I got called back from reserve duty," Halstead explained taking a sip of beer.

"When do you leave?" Burgess asked, a frown on her usually happy face.

"The 20th," Lindsay interjected.

"Oh, so you knew about this?" Antonio said, laughing.

Halstead snorted, "Only because she snooped in my place when she came to get me for the crime scene."

He purposely left out the fact that it was the next morning at breakfast, thinking they might get the wrong idea.

"Shit, man," Ruzek ruffled his hair, "We're going to throw you a hell of a going away party."

"Lindsay's got the booze covered," Halstead laughed, bumping her shoulder with his.

"Ass," she shot back, smiling.

Antonio stood up from his seat, "I'm proposing another toast," he held his half finished beer in the air, "To Halstead. Come back in one piece, because man, we can't go through Lindsay breaking in a new partner again."

Antonio's toast spurred laughter all around and an indignant, "Hey! I'm not that bad," from Lindsay.

"To Halstead," they all chimed once the laughter had died down.

"Thanks, guys," Halstead said quietly.

Damn, was he going to miss them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Whoo! I'm so proud of myself for getting this finished in time for tonight. I am having a BLAST writing this. So now, everyone knows that Jay is heading back to the army. Next chapter he's probably going to be leaving. I haven't thought about how many chapters this is going to be, but I would say more than 5, maybe 10.
> 
> Again, I was totally blown away by the reviews for the first 2 chapters. I really appreciate them. I would love it if you guys could drop a review on this chapter. It would totally mean the world to me.
> 
> And, just 3 hours until CPD! Thank God because I need some Linstead in my life. My inbox on tumblr (thewintersoldierdisaster) is always open for chats. In fact, I relish them. So come talk to me =)


	4. Chapter 4

Halstead stared at the ceiling when he woke up on the 18th.

His plane was leaving for Virginia at 8pm. He was really leaving.

His teeth chattered involuntarily. Oh god, he was terrified.

He stayed in bed for another hour, wallowing. The only reason he got up was because of the pounding on his front door.

The pounding was accompanied by shouting, "HALSTEAD! I know you're in there. Open up."

Jay reluctantly swung his legs out of bed and shouted back, "I'm coming. Keep your pants on."

He padded, barefoot and shirtless, to the door and pulled it open to reveal Erin Lindsay grinning.

"Are you sure you want me to keep my pants on?" She laughed, "We could even the playing field."

She gave him a pointed once over, lingering a little too long on his bare chest.

Jay narrowed his eyes, "Ha ha. I'm not a piece of meat, Detective."

"Shut up," Lindsay laughed, punching his shoulder and pushing her way into his apartment, "So what are we doing today?"

"We?" Halstead raised his eyebrow, "I'm going to finish packing and try and forget that I'm going back to war. You should be going to work."

Lindsay shook her head, "Nope. I made Voight give me the day off. I wasn't going to let you stew in your man pain all day."

"Nice of you," he said, "Coffee?"

She nodded and followed Jay into the kitchen, "I know you had your going away party last weekend, but I kind of wanted your last day to be with me."

Jay smiled sincerely, "Thanks, Lindsay. It means a lot."

"I know," she winked, "My presence just makes everything better."

"Yeah," Jay laughed, plugging in his coffee pot, "I'm gonna go get dressed, be out in a minute."

"No you won't," she called to his retreating back, "I've seen how long it takes you to fix your hair."

She heard him let out a burst of laughter before the bedroom door closed.

"Yes! Lindsay 6, Halstead 4!" Lindsay shouted, throwing her hands up in the air.

Halstead grouched, "Cheater."

Lindsay danced around him, "Sore loser! When will you admit that I'm the paintball champion?"

Jay laughed and hooked his paintball gun on its peg, "Never. You're a cheater."

"You're just jealous that I'm better than you," Lindsay laughed, hanging her borrowed gun next to his.

"You wish," Jay nudged her hip with his as they walked back to her car.

Lindsay reached over and rubbed at a splatter of paint on Halstead's forehead.

He went still and held his breath, her hand warm against his skin.

"What was that for?" he asked when she pulled her hand away.

"Paint," she rasped, "And I can't have you looking like a mess when we go for lunch. We're going to a very high class establishment."

"Nick's Pizza?" Halstead asked, climbing into the passenger seat.

Lindsay laughed, "Yeah."

"Wow, that's like on the same level as The Plaza," Jay teased.

"Shut up," Lindsay reached over and without taking her eyes off the road, punched his arm, "I'm supplying you with memories of Chicago that have to last months."

"Okay," Hay leaned back in his chair and wiped pizza grease from his fingers, "What's next?"

Lindsay chewed her final bit of crust, "What makes you think there's a next?"

Halstead shrugged, "I know you. There's a next."

"Okay, there's a next," Lindsay dropped money on the table, "But it's not like anything crazy special. You do have a flight to catch in six hours. And since you're you, you haven't packed."

Jay shrugged, she was right. He hadn't packed and to be honest, he wasn't overly concerned. He wasn't able to bring that much with him, so what was the point.

"Come on, mopey," Lindsay grabbed his hand, "We have places to be."

"What kind of places?" Jay asked as he was being led to the car.

"You'll see," Lindsay said enigmatically.

"Should I be worried?" Halstead teased as Lindsay drove.

"Nah," she laughed, "I wouldn't send you into battle already hurt."

Jay huffed a laugh, it wasn't that funny, thinking about himself at war again, but he could see the way Erin was trying to be calm and nonchalant about his leaving.

They discussed the case that the rest of the team was working on, Lindsay making a few mental notes to tell Voight about the ideas that they had come up with when she went back to work after Halstead left.

"We're here!" Lindsay announced, throwing her car into park.

Halstead looked out the window, all he could see was a crowd of people.

"And here is?" He asked, closing the car door behind him.

"The Bean!" Lindsay exclaimed spreading her arms in the air, "Tah-dah!"

"The Bean?" Jay laughed, "Seriously?"

"Yes!" Lindsay said, planting her hands on her hips, "The Bean is a Chicago tourist spot and you need to remember it."

"I don't think I'd forget it," Halstead laughed.

"Oh, humor me," Lindsay laughed, grabbing his hand and dragging him through the crowds so they could get closer.

Jay tried to ignore the sparks that shot up his arm when Lindsay took hold of his hand. It was hard to ignore his feelings for her, especially after spending the whole morning with her one-on-one. All he wanted was to kiss her.

"Okay, I'll humor you," he smiled at her back, happily letting her take the lead.

As soon as they were close enough to the shiny metal sculpture, Lindsay pulled out her phone and grinned, "Smile!"

She snapped a picture of Jay before he could process her command.

Lindsay looked at the picture and laughed, "Oh my god, you look like a stoned deer in the headlights!"

"I didn't have any warning!" Halstead protested, laughing and grabbing for her phone, "Take a new one!"

"Sir, yes sir," Lindsay laughed, pressing her face close to Halstead's and taking a picture of their reflection in the shiny bean.

"Much better," Jay pronounced when Lindsay showed him the picture.

"Good," Lindsay said, tapping away at the picture. Jay's phone buzzed a few seconds later.

"Now you can keep me with you," she said, her voice faltering a little.

Jay reached out to touch her arm, "Hey, you okay?"

Erin nodded and plastered a grin on her face, "Yeah, sure just fine. Let's go get you packed."

She worked her way through the crowd again, leaving Jay to follow her. He wished she would just stop and let him in. She'd been close to letting that wall of hers down, only for it to go right back up.

"Are you sure you have everything?" Lindsay asked again, looking at the two duffel bags Halstead was holding.

He laughed, "Yes, mom. I have everything."

She punched his shoulder, "I'm just looking out for you."

"I know," he said, grateful, "And I'm glad you're here."

Lindsay nodded, not trusting her voice at the moment.

Halstead dropped his bags to the floor and rubbed the back of his neck, "Erin, just be careful okay? I'm not there to watch your back and ..."

He trailed off. There were no words for what he wanted to say.

Luckily, Lindsay always seemed to know what was on his mind anyway.

"I know," she said, "Same goes for you. Those army Rangers don't know how to watch your back like I do."

Jay choked out a laugh, "Yeah. I'll be careful."

Lindsay nodded, casting her eyes downward.

They stood together, quietly enjoying the other's company, for as long as possible.

"Flight 511 to Virginia is now boarding. Please proceed to Gate 7," the voice on the speaker was pleasant, but to Jay it sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

"I guess I have to go," the words sounded more like a question the way they came out of Jay's mouth.

Lindsay nodded, "I guess you do."

She shifted from foot to foot before throwing her body at Jay's and hugging him tightly.

Halstead stood in shock for a second and then wrapped his arms around Lindsay's back and squeezed her tightly.

"I'm going to miss you," she mumbled.

"I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Erin Lindsay," Jay teased, trying to lighten the mood.

Lindsay snorted a laugh and pinched his shoulder, her arms still tight around his neck.

There was a second announcement for the boarding of Jay's flight. He reluctantly broke the hug and picked up his bags.

"I have to go."

"I know," Erin said, smiling sadly, "Come back in one piece, okay?"

Jay nodded, "You got it."

He turned and walked to the gate, stopping to look back at Erin before he walked through the door.

She waved and smiled. But the second his back was to her, she reached up and wiped a tear away.

Jay's plane had left an hour ago, but Erin was still sitting in the airport, staring at the tarmac where his plane used to be.

She watched planes come and go. She watched tearful hellos and goodbyes.

She felt like there was a piece of her missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, how amazing was Wednesday's episode? The last 2 minutes! AHHH! Come and chat about it with me =)
> 
> On to the story, I loved this chapter. Lots and lots of Linstead. And now, Jay is on his way to war. We see some of Erin's feelings, which we're going to get into a little more in the coming chapters. The next chapters are going to skip ahead a little bit in time.
> 
> Also, I'm working on another oneshot Linstad story, and I'm naming linstead babies…any thoughts on that? =)
> 
> Drop me a review…they literally mean everything to me =)


	5. Chapter 5

Hey Halstead,

I can't believe it's been a month sine you left. It feels weird not having you here. Voight hasn't replaced you yet. So I've been partnering with Atwater for now. The first week, Voight took me. Just so…I don't know. So he could keep an eye on me. We all miss you. Diego and Eva visited Antonio last week. Diego spun around in your chair, asking where 'Uncle Jay' was. We told him you were away on business.

Voight's going to announce your replacement today or tomorrow. (temporary, of course. Your chair is still waiting for when you come home.) I'll wait to send this letter out so I can update it. I have to go. Duty calls.

Sorry, it's Friday now. Oops, I meant to mail this out by today, but it looks like it's waiting for tomorrow. Voight promoted Burgess to your spot temporarily. You should have seen the fantastic shade of red Ruzek turned. I love how those two think they're keeping their relationship a secret. Kim's great, but she's not you.

Please come home in one piece.

Lindsay.

Erin jumped out of her car quickly and dropped the envelope into the mailbox.

"Shit, it's freezing," she muttered, rubbing her hands together as she got back into the car.

"High of 15 degrees today," Kim said mournfully, "I miss summer."

Erin quirked her lips up into a smile, "And seeing Ruzek in a Speedo?"

Kim burst out laughing, "Oh my god, no! I'd have to break up with him if he ever put a Speedo on."

"Good," Erin laughed, "Because those things look good on no one."

"When do you think that'll get to him?" Kim said, nodding her head towards the mailbox as Erin pulled away from the curb.

Erin frowned, "I don't know. It could really be days or weeks or months."

"You really miss him," Kim said, and it wasn't a question.

Erin Lindsay was not in the habit of talking about her feelings out loud, so she shrugged.

"You don't mind me driving, and Halstead did. As far as I'm concerned, that's an upgrade," she tried to smile, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"He'll be fine," Kim said, "I just know it."

Her never ending enthusiasm was probably good for Erin right now.

"Un-fucking-believable," Erin growled as she looked at her watch for the tenth time in as many minutes.

"Severide still hasn't gotten here?' Gabby Dawson asked from behind the bar.

Erin plastered on a fake smile, "I'm sure he just hit some traffic."

Gabby nodded, "Yeah…traffic. You want another?" she pointed to Erin's empty pint glass.

Erin looked at the glass and then at her watch, "Yeah, please. Thanks, Gabby."

This was getting to be too much. Every time they made plans, Kelly was late. Erin knew he was still reeling from Shay's death, but there was only so much a girl could take.

From her unreliable boyfriend, to her mother's sudden reappearance, to her partner being at war, to the very distracting feeling brewing inside of her, Erin Lindsay was reaching her emotional limit.

She ignored texts from Voight and Antonio while she waited for Kelly. She wished Jay were here, keeping her company.

Kelly finally showed up, a solid two hours after they were supposed to meet.

"Hey, babe," he grinned at her, kissing her sloppily on the cheek, "You ready for dinner?"

"Dinner?" Erin said acerbically, "Our reservations are lost now."

Kelly frowned, "Where'd they go?"

Erin arched an eyebrow, "You're two hours late. It's almost 10 o'clock."

Kelly shook his head, "Nope. 'M not late. I got here right on time."

Gabby looked up from the glasses she was cleaning; Severide had been getting steadily louder in volume as he talked.

Lindsay huffed an angry breath, "You're drunk and I'm not doing this."

Kelly's eyebrows knit together, "Doing what? And 'm not drunk. Just had a beer."

"Or five," Lindsay muttered under her breath, and then louder, "I'm not having a discussion with you now. I know you're hurting, trust me I know. But this is not the right way to go about things. Find me when you're sober."

She dropped a few bills on the counter, grabbed her phone and keys and stalked out of the bar, away from Kelly, away from the sad look Gabby was giving her.

It was all too much at once.

Erin wasn't sure how she ended up at Voight's, but she really shouldn't have been surprised. When things got hard in her life, Hank was there. She could always talk her problems out and get the blunt advice she needed.

"Hey, kid," Hank greeted her after he opened the door, "Come on in."

"Sorry it's so late," she apologized, hanging her jacket on the hook in the front hall.

Hank laughed, "Late? Kid, it's barely after 10. We've stayed at the precinct later than this."

Erin chewed on her lip, "I guess I'm just kind of messed up from everything that's been happening."

Hank narrowed his eyes, "What is it? Your ma? That firefighter? Burgess?"

Erin braked a laugh, "Yes to all of the above." She paused and then corrected herself, "Not Burgess. She's great. And it's about time she was put in Intelligence. It's just…."

"You're sued to Halstead," Voight finished.

Erin nodded, "I love Kim, she's great. But breaking in a new partner…."

"It's tough. You don't think I've had to do it a few times? Burgess has only been with you three days. Give that some time," Voight stood up from the couch to pour some whiskey.

"Time I can do," Erin said, accepting the tumbler he handed her.

"Talk to me, kid. Can't solve problems if I don't know what they are."

Erin knocked back the alcohol, "That's the problem. I don't know what they are. Everything is just not right and it's pissing me off."

Voight shrugged, "So get rid of everything that's not right and start from there."

"You know that's not exactly helpful, right?" Erin rolled her eyes.

"You know you didn't give me much to work with, right?" Voight matched her tone and took the glass, "Get some sleep. I'm not letting you drive."

"I just had that little bit of whiskey," Erin protested, her eyes already feeling heavy.

Voight snorted, "Kid, I could smell Molly's on you form a mile away. I don't know what you had over there and I'm not happy you drove. So kick back and relax. You ain't going anywhere."

Erin kicked off her boots with minor protesting and tucked her body into a ball. She was asleep before Voight could shut the lights.

Erin didn't see Kelly for another week. He was constantly on call and Intelligence was working overtime to bust a child pornography ring.

On Sunday night he picked her up from her apartment, a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

"I'm sorry," he said, looking her directly in the eyes.

"Thank you," Erin took the flowers and put them in a vase before shutting her door and following Kelly to his car.

He drove.

She fidgeted.

He was going to hate her after tonight.

"So how's work?" Kelly asked, as they settled into their table.

"Good," Erin answered, "We broke up a child pornography ring today."

She didn't elaborate.

"Erin?" Kelly asked, reaching for her hand from across the table, "Is something wrong?"

"Yeah, actually, there is," she smiled sadly, "It's us. This," she gestured between them, "I can't keep doing this."

"Doing what? What are you talking about?" Kelly frowned, clearly getting angry.

"When was the last time we saw each other?" Erin asked.

Kelly thought for a minute, "Two weeks ago. But we've both been busy. You knew that going into this relationship."

Erin shook her head, "We saw each other a week ago at Molly's. We had a date planned. You showed up two hours late and drunk out of your mind."

Severide's face drained of color, "Erin….I'm…"

Erin held up her hand, "Don't apologize. It doesn't change anything. I know you've been having a rough time after Shay. But it's been two and a half months. You can't keep acting like this."

Severide sighed, "Erin, you don't understand…"

"Oh? I don't understand?" Erin laughed harshly, "Jules died just over a year ago. I still think about her every damn day. Jay is who knows where in the fucking Middle East. I don't know if he's going to come back alive or in a body bag, and I shouldn't have to worry about that kind of thing."

She smirked angrily, "But you're right. I don't know what it's like to lose a friend."

"She was my best friend," he snarled, "And she shouldn't have died."

"Neither should Jules. Neither should any of the other cops or firefighters we've lost. Jay shouldn't have to be back with the Rangers," Erin leaned forward, "But life's not fair, and you can't drink yourself silly every night to forget."

"This isn't about me," Severide said, "It's you."

Erin looked shocked for a minute and then laughed, "Oh, that's a new one. Putting the blame on me. Kelly, I want you to get better. I want you to be happy. But I'm not the type of girl to sit around and wait for you to get your act together. I have my own life to sort out."

Severide drained the wine in his glass and stood up, "Good, fine. Get your life in order. I guess we're done."

"Kelly!" she called as he walked away.

"Forget it, Erin," he turned to face her, "You're not really worried about me anyway. You said it yourself. You're too worried about Halstead to worry about me."

Erin stood up, her face contorted into anger now, "That is not what I said and you know it!"

Kelly seemed to deflate in front of her eyes, "I know. I'm sorry, Erin. I really am. Maybe you're right."

"About what?" she said, ignoring the looks the other patrons were giving them and quickly stepping forward to push Kelly into the front lobby.

"I'm not coping well. Casey and Gabby said it too," he scrubbed a hand over his face, "I need to work on some stuff."

Erin nodded, "I'll still be here for you as a friend, if you need me."

He nodded, "Thanks. Uh, I'm sorry about last week. And right now."

She laughed, "It's fine. I never really wanted to come back here anyway."

Erin dropped Kelly at Matt and Gabby's place before driving to her own apartment.

The place was dark and cold when she got there.

Flipping on lights and turning up her heater, Erin kicked off her heels as she moved through the rooms.

She needed a stiff drink and a good night's sleep. Although with work tomorrow maybe she'd skip the drink.

There was a blinking light coming from her computer and Erin tied her hair away from her face so she could inspect it.

MISSED VIDEO CHAT

The letters blinked red at her.

Her stomach dropped when she looked at the return number.

BLOCKED

It was Jay. She knew it.

She missed him.

In more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello my little Linstead loves (lol, sorry I'm a dork) I bring a new chapter for you guys before the next episode airs tomorrow. This one's all about Lindsay. Next one will be all Jay, all the time.
> 
> I took mild creative license with Severide seeing as I haven't watched CF in many, many moons (aka since like possibly December of last year) and I also didn't watch the Linseride break up scene from last week. But who cares? This is an AU and I do what I want. However, please do let me know what you thought about this chapter. I really hope I captured Lindsay's turmoil.
> 
> Catch ya later, darlings. =)


	6. Chapter 6

Hey Erin,

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. We're kind of all over the place out here. Merry Belated Christmas, by the way. I owe you a present when I get home. Did Ruzek get drunk off his ass on eggnog again? Did any one get caught under the mistletoe?

I wish I could tell you where I am, but uh, I'd definitely get killed for that. Good news is that the mission out here is going better than expected. I might be home sooner than I thought. Maybe by June, so another two months out here. I can live with that.

How's Severide? I've been trying to video call when I get the chance, but I guess you've been busy. I'm glad you're partnered with Burgess. She's a good cop. She's got your back, right?

I gotta go. Heading out. Don't know when I'll be able to write again.

Jay

Jay sealed the envelope, hastily scribbled Erin's address on the front and shoved it into the mail bag on his way out of the tent.

"Gather up," he shouted, shouldering his rifle.

His men formed a semi circle around him, all looking worse for the wear. It had been a long six months. Jay's unit had been bounced all over the Middle East. Now they were based in Syria for the time being.

"I know you guys are tired, " he said, still not used to leading men, after so much time of being order around by Voight, "But if we get this done, there's a good chance that we go home soon."

That got a cheer from the Rangers.

"We have intel on a smaller band of ISIS members near the town," Jay continued, relaying what his superiors had told him, "Our job is to take them out. Think you can handle that?"

Jay's immediate subordinate, Ed Chandler grinned, "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to, Halstead? The Navy? Army Rangers, especially the 3rd battalion, can handle any fucking terrorists they throw our way."

Jay snorted, "Chandler, I know you can handle it. It's these other sorry asses I'm worried about."

The rest of Jay's unit grumbled at the good natured teasing and slowly broke away to gather their gear.

"You get through the your girl?" Chandler asked, falling into step next to Jay.

"Lindsay's not my girl," Jay said, "She's my partner."

Chandler waved his hand in the air, "Halstead, you talk about her non-stop. All the guys and I thought she was yours."

"Well she's not," Jay snapped, "And she'd fucking kill you if she heard you say that."

He stomped off to the Humvee, pushing thoughts of Erin from his mind.

"Shit, shit, fuck," Jay scrambled down the side of the hilltop they had been shooting from.

He landed, hard on his hands and knees, next to Chandler and Kyle Ross, another sharpshooter in the regiment.

"Where were you hit?" he demanded, dropping his rifle to the side and scrambling to find the entry wound on Chandler. There was blood covering the ground and Jay couldn't avoid kneeling in it.

"I'm fine, Halstead. Don't get your panties in a wad," Chandler grimaced, trying not to move his shoulder.

Jay grunted, "Don't be an asshole," he pressed down hard on the bullet hole, Ross shoving his sleeve into Chandler's mouth to muffle his scream or pain.

Jay could feel the blood bubbling under his fingers, and he hated it. The rest of the unit was at the bottom of the hill, scouting. Jay needed Ross to help him get Chandler down to the Humvee and back to camp.

"Grab him," he directed Ross, "If he stays out here with a hole in his shoulder, he's going to get an infection."

Ross nodded, "We need to stay low. They'll shoot at us again."

Chandler was steadily turning paler as his blood dripped to the dirt, "I'll fucking crawl if I have to."

Jay laughed mirthlessly, "You just might."

He poked his head up, scanning the area for insurgents. It looked clear, so he gestured to Ross. The two of them hauled Chandler by his armpits down the hill.

They stopped every few feet so Chandler could rest. Jay continued to put pressure on the entrance wound while still scanning for more threats.

"Almost there, Chandler," Jay said, "You're doing good."

"Pft," Chandler blew an angry breath of air between his lips, "I'm slower than my grandmother after her hip replacement. I'm gonna kill every last one of the bastards."

Jay grinned at Ross over Chandler's bent head. If he was talking like that, he would be fine.

Suddenly, the dirt at their feet exploded into clumps, thanks to a smattering of bullets.

"Shit," Jay cursed, dropping to the ground and yanking Chandler and Ross with him. They were so fucking close to the base of the hill too.

"Can you crawl?" he heard Ross ask Chandler. When the injured soldier grunted an affirmative response, the three men began crawling quickly down the last few feet of the hill.

They practically threw themselves to the flat ground.

"Let's go, let's go, let's go," Jay ranted, hauling Chandler to the Humvee and sending Ross to quickly gather the rest of the men.

They peeled away from the base of the hill in a cloud of dirt and bullet fire.

Jay was exhausted after the ordeal with Chandler and the ISIS forces this morning. He should have been trying to get some rest since they were going to have to go back out tomorrow.

But it was still early for him, only 5 o'clock, and he wanted to try and reach Erin again.

He was too tired to calculate what time it actually was in Chicago, so he just crossed his fingers that she'd be home.

As usual, the computer took to long to make a connection to some kind of satellite and Jay was left fidgeting in his seat while he waited.

Finally, the computer connected and Jay was greeted with the sight of Erin's face.

Erin's very banged up, bruised face.

"What the hell happened to you, Lindsay?" Jay exclaimed, leaning forward to get a better look at her face.

"Good to see you too, Halstead," she grinned, or at least tried to. The left side of her face was swollen and didn't move as well as the right.

Jay softened, "Hi, good to see you. Now, what the hell happened to your face?" he narrowed his eyes, "It wasn't Severide, was it?"

Lindsay shook her head, "Are you an ass? Kelly wouldn't do this to me."

Halstead shrugged, "I don't really know the guy. Besides, when I left he was still getting drunk every night since Shay's death."

Lindsay looked down, "Well, he's not doing that anymore. It's been almost six months."

"Sorry," Jay apologized, and changing the subject, "What time's it over there?"

"Little after nine," Lindsay said, casting her glance down at her watch, "You?"

"Little after five," Jay laughed, "Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Yeah," Lindsay admitted, "I should be. But Voight gave me the morning off to recover from this," she gestured to her face.

Jay nodded, "Nice of him. How'd it happen?"

Lindsay sighed, "Last night we went on a drug bust. I got a little distracted, and one of the guys got the jump on me. It looks worse than it feels."

Jay scoffed, "Well it must hurt like a bitch, because you look like hell. And you don't get distracted, what's going on?"

Jay could see the hesitation behind Erin's eyes before she answered.

"First of all, a girl doesn't see her partner for months and he tells her she looks like hell? Really gentlemanly, Halstead," she said, stalling for time, "And second of all, I'm allowed to have off days."

"Yeah, you're allowed to have them, but you don't," Jay said, ignoring the way the connection was going fuzzy. He probably only have a few more minutes before it crapped out on him.

"It was seriously nothing, Jay," Erin said, "Burgess and I just miscommunicated."

And as she said that, the little voice in the back of Jay's head started whispering, 'It's your fault she's hurt. You weren't there to have her back. It's all on you.'

"Shit, Erin, I'm sorry," he said, running his hand over his face, "I should've been there."

Erin cocked her head, "Don't be an idiot. That could have happened if you were here too."

"It wouldn't have," Jay said, movement out of the corner of his eye catching his attention. It was Ross, gesturing wildly, "Look, I gotta go. Slap a steak on your face and get some rest. I'll see you."

She nodded, a worry line forming in between her eyebrows, "Jay, be careful, okay?"

"Always am," he grinned wryly, waving to her as he closed the connection.

It was August.

Jay Halstead was getting pissed off.

It was getting harder and harder to stay positive about their mission in Syria. Chandler had been sent back to the States months ago; his shoulder wound wasn't healing right, so he needed better medical care.

They'd gone out on countless missions and only succeeded in a handful of them.

Jay just wanted to get home to Chicago.

Ross entered the tent, "Hey, Halstead, we got intel on another terror group. About two miles from here."

"ISIS?" Jay asked, standing up and pulling on his jacket.

Ross shrugged, "Not sure. Doesn't look like it though."

Jay sighed, "Just get Anderson, Michaels, and Harper. We'll take a small group to see what's happening and then come back here to plan a strategy."

Ross nodded, "How soon are we going?"

Halstead shrugged, "Ten minutes. Just get the guys and meet me by the Humvee."

Halstead watched his new second-in-command leave the tent. Goddammit, he was never going to be able to leave this hellhole.

"Hey, Halstead," Anderson, an African-American man with an easy smile despite their current situation, called to the front of the Humvee, "We heard you got a letter from your girl back home."

Halstead grinned, shook his head, and flipped Anderson the bird, "She's not my girl, I keep telling you assholes."

Michaels, a short brunette with a minor Napoleon complex, laughed, "Not how the letter made it sound. All full of "Jay"s, and "I miss you"s, and "when are you coming home"s?"

Halstead turned in the passenger seat, "You fuckers read my letter?"

"We were curious about your girl," Harper laughed, sounding more like a pig than a person.

Halstead grimaced; he liked Anderson and Michaels just fine, but Harper was an ass.

"If any of you read my shit again, I'm gonna –" Jay's threat was cut off as the Humvee bounced over something.

The next second Jay was aware of the fact that he was in the air. His body landed painfully on something and he could smell smoke.

He barely had time to let out a groan before his vision went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello my loves and Happy Saturday! I'm very excited to bring you this chapter, because it sets up some fun stuff that'll be coming up. As promised, this chapter is all about Jay. I'm not spoiling anything that's coming up, but it's going to be fun.
> 
> The scene with Erin and Jay video chatting was suggested by TvRomances. So thank you for that =)
> 
> My inbox is always open to prompts and whatever. Also, come chat with me after the episodes! I love squealing about Linstead with you guys =)
> 
> Enjoy!


	7. Chapter 7

"Let me in! Let me in!" Erin screamed, "I'm FAMILY!"

She pushed against the nurse that was trying to calm her down. The poor woman hadn't been expecting an enraged Chicago cop to come barreling through the doors.

"Ma'am, please, you need to calm down and take a seat," her slight German accent made her words seem harsher than they actually were.

Erin shook her head, "No, no, no, you don't understand! I have to go through. My partner is in there and he's hurt. LET ME THROUGH!"

Erin tried to strong arm her way past, but hands grabbed at her upper arms and she was pulled away from the nurse.

"Hey, hey, Erin, calm down," Antonio wrapped his arms around her in a hug, "We'll find out what's happening."

Erin wiped angrily at the tears forming in her eyes, "I need to know now, Tonio."

Antonio sighed, "I know. Take a seat and I'll talk to a nurse. Okay?"

She nodded stiffly and sat on one of the hard plastic chairs.

Antonio strode to the nurse's desk, angry with the situation.

"Excuse me, I need to know Jay Halstead's current status," he said, using a commanding tone.

The nurse sitting behind the desk looked up, "Sir, I can not give away information unless you are family."

Antonio rubbed a hand over his face. He didn't think that the idea of being in the Intelligence family would work out here.

"He doesn't have any family," Antonio said, "No dependents."

The German nurse narrowed her eyes and cast her gaze over Antonio's shoulder to look at Erin, "She is Erin Lindsay, is she not?"

Antonio nodded, "Yes. She's his emergency contact, but she's in no state to hear about his condition. I wanted to soften the blow."

The nurse frowned, "I am sorry, but we can not give information to anyone that is not on the list."

Antonio nodded, "Thanks."

He sat down next to Erin, "You calmer yet?"

Erin nodded, her face a stoic mask, "I'm good. I need to see Jay though."

Antonio said, "Good, because they won't tell me anything."

Erin gave a half smile, "I guess I'm going to have to be a big girl and hear it without a sugar coating, huh?"

"Sorry," Antonio said, holding out a hand to pull Erin to her feet, "I tried."

"The doc said he was going to be okay," Antonio reminded Erin while they stood outside of Jay's hospital room, "Just focus on that."

Erin nodded, "I know. It's...I didn't think he'd ever get hurt over there."

Her gaze was focused on a spot in the distance; she couldn't seem to think about anything other than the fact that Jay had been blown up by an IED.

Antonio cupped Erin's elbow in his hand, getting her attention, "Do you want to go in?"

Erin looked up at Antonio's face and then at Jay's door. She wished Voight had come with her. She loved Antonio like a brother, but sometimes a girl just needs her dad.

Antonio stayed quiet at her side, letting her decide what their next move was.

Eventually she nodded, "Okay, let's see him."

Antonio opened the door and Erin reached out blindly to grab onto his hand. She didn't trust her legs to support her.

Antonio, for his part, didn't say anything about Erin's uncharacteristic actions.

Antonio quietly and carefully led Erin into the hospital room, nudging the door shut behind them.

Erin gasped and her hands flew up to cover her mouth as soon as she laid eyes on Jay.

"Oh my god," she moaned, tears prickling at her eyes. She turned away from the bed and pressed her forehead against Antonio's shoulder.

Antonio grimaced at the sight of Jay.

Their friend looked, frankly, like shit. He was wrapped in plaster, due to a broken arm, hand, ankle, and leg. His chest looked bulkier; six broken ribs had to be bound. Jay's face was a bruised, bloody, and swollen mess and his head was wrapped in a thick layer of gauze.

Erin made a squeaking noise as Antonio stepped forward, dragging her along.

"I can't...I need to..." Erin made a break for the door, but Antonio caught her wrist.

"You can, Erin. He's fine," Antonio said sternly, "Jay's gonna need us when he wakes up and when he comes home. So you'd better get used to this."

Erin chewed on the inside of her cheek and stepped towards Jay. Antonio released her wrist and hung back, letting Erin have a minute.

"Oh, Jay," she breathed, reaching out to tentatively brush the back of his bruised hand with her fingertips.

She sunk into the chair next to the bed as if her legs just couldn't hold her up anymore.

Antonio watched as she tried not to break down. She was trying so hard to be strong. But he knew it had to be hard.

He'd seen the way they interacted. There was something between them. They probably hadn't acted on it because of Voight, but Antonio could see the connection. It made him miss Laura. He needed to get her back.

"Erin," he said softly, breaking her attention from Jay.

"Yeah?" She said, her voice even raspier from emotion.

"I'm gonna go get coffee. I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?"

She nodded, turning her gaze back to Jay before Antonio had even finished his sentence.

After Antonio left the room, Erin started to talk.

"You asshole," she murmured, holding Jay's hand in between both of her own, "You said you'd come back in one piece."

Erin waited, hoping that Jay would open his eyes and scowl at her for calling him an asshole.

"You promised me," she sighed, dropping her head to rest against Jay's forearm, "You promised me."

She wanted to be angry. She wanted to rage at something, someone. But, Erin realized, she mostly felt numb. Numb and empty.

"I miss you Jay," she said, watching as the tube down his throat made Jay's chest rise and fall.

She sighed again. Antonio would be back soon, and they were only cleared to stay in Germany for a week. She wanted to sit at Jay's side until he woke up.

"Please just wake up, Jay," Erin bit her lip, ignoring the years that slipped down her cheeks, "Please. For me."

Her thumb rubbed gently over the back of Jay's hand.

"Being partnered with Kim isn't the same," Erin murmured, "She doesn't care that I always drive."

Jay's chest rose and fell artificially.

"If you get better soon, I'll let you drive," Erin smiled halfheartedly.

Jay didn't answer, but she hadn't expected him to.

She just wanted her partner back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: wow, I'm kind of on a roll. Updating everything this weekend lol. I loved this chapter. Lots of fun Jay whump and Erin breakdowns. 
> 
> I (finally) created an outline for this story, it's going to have probably 4 more chapters. I'm hoping I can get the next one out by next weekend, but it's going to be a busy week for me, so i can't guarantee it. In the meantime, I would love it if you guys dropped me a review =)


	8. Chapter 8

Erin dropped into the familiar chair next to Jay's bed, "Hey, Jay. How're you feeling?"

She felt silly talking to him while he was still in the medical coma. But the doctor had gently explained that he could probably hear her, and that it might help him. So she talked to him. She talked until her mouth went dry.

"Antonio dragged me to some German castle last night. He said I should see something other than the inside of a hospital while we're here," Erin sighed.

She hadn't wanted to go sightseeing, but visiting hours had ended and Antonio had insisted.

"I love Antonio, but I wish you had been with me," Erin said, gently taking hold of Jay's bruised hand and rubbing it with her thumb.

"The doctors say that you're doing better," Erin's voice wavered, "But I don't see any change. I guess I have to take their word for it."

Erin and Antonio had been in Germany for a week now, and while Jay was still in the coma, Antonio had remarked that most of his bruises had gone that weird yellow-green color that meant they were healing.

"You'll see, Erin," Antonio had said two days ago, "He'll be back fighting Chicago's worst in no time."

Erin had made a noncommittal noise; it was hard enough to see Jay like this, she didn't want to get her hopes up, just in case...

"I wish we could stay longer," Erin said, "But Voight only gave us a week."

Jay didn't answer, he never answered, but his eyelids twitched.

Erin sighed again. His eyelids had been twitching for a couple of days now. She remembered when it had first happened. She'd been so damn excited, so she ran out into the hallway, calling for a doctor. She had thought it meant Jay would wake up soon.

But, she frowned, here they were three days later, and he was still asleep.

"I'm going to call every day when I'm back in Chicago," Erin said, "And your nurses, who're really nice despite my freak-out on them, they know to call me at any time if something happens."

Erin impulsively reached out and brushed Jay's hair off his forehead, it was longer than she'd ever seen it.

She kind of liked it. But she mostly missed his usual short hair.

"You're in good hands, Jay," she said quietly.

Antonio stuck his head into the room, unfazed by the sight of Erin holding Jay's hand.

"Hey, we gotta head out," Antonio frowned, "I know you'd rather stay, but..."

Erin nodded, cutting him off, "It's fine. I know we have a flight. I just...don't like leaving him here. He should be coming home with us."

She gave Jay's hand one more light squeeze before pulling on her jacket and walking to the door.

Antonio threw his arm around her shoulder, "He's in good hands. Hey, who knows? By the time we get off the plane at home, he could be wide awake."

Erin nodded, trying to put on a stoic mask. Antonio was a good person to have around in a crisis. He was steady.

She was not.

Erin knew she should have taken the day off after they had gotten home from Germany. Antonio had.

He had gone home to Laura and the kids to fall asleep immediately.

Erin knew that despite her jetlag there was no way she'd fall asleep. Not when she was worrying about Jay like it was her job.

Voight probably would make her stay at her desk, but even that was better than just sitting at home and worrying.

Erin jogged up the steps to the precinct and pulled the door open.

She smiled at Roman and Burgess, quickly saying, "Sorry! I'm late," to avoid stopping and having a conversation with Kim.

She knew her friend would have a million questions about Jay, but Erin just couldn't answer them right now.

Kim nodded, "We're getting drinks tonight at Molly's."

Her tone brokered no arguments, and Erin could only agree.

Kim was a good friend.

"Welcome home, Detective Lindsay," Sergeant Platt called from her desk.

Erin plastered a smile on her face (she was sure it looked more like a grimace), "Thanks, Sergeant. Um, it's nice to be home."

A blatant fucking lie. She didn't want to be in Chicago. She wanted to be with Jay.

Platt nodded, "You have a visitor. He's in the waiting room."

Erin crinkled her nose. A visitor? She really hoped it was someone she could quickly dismiss.

"Thanks," she said, giving Platt a halfhearted wave and hurrying into the closed off room.

There was a man sitting in the chair in front of her. Erin had never seen him before in her life.

The man stood up, and held his hand out to her, "You must be Jay's girl, Erin. I'm Ed Chandler. I was in Halstead's unit, at least until I got sent home cause of an infected gunshot wound."

Erin shook Chandler's hand in a daze.

Jay's girl.

He'd called her Jay's girl.

Erin nodded after she realized she'd been silent for a few minutes, "Yes, I'm Erin Lindsay. Um, it's nice to meet you."

Chandler nodded and gave her a subdued smile, "How's he doing? I heard the boys ran over an IED. Fucking pieces of shit ISIS. Last I heard, Jay was in Germany."

"He's still there," Erin said, still reeling at being called 'Jay's girl,' "We…uh…had to come back to work."

"Is he any closer to waking up?' Chandler asked.

Erin shrugged, "I don't know. The doctor over there said his vitals were looking better, but…" she trailed off. It felt weird to be talking about Jay with his man she didn't even know.

"I'm sorry," Chandler said, "He's a good guy. He pulled me out of an ambush when I got shot. I wish I had been there with him."

"Then you'd probably be dead like the rest of his unit," Erin said bluntly, she was tired, and talking about Jay being at war was making her want to vomit, "I wish Jay had been in your position. At least he'd have been home months ago, and in one fucking piece."

Chandler gaped at Erin as she stormed out of the room, the door slamming shut behind her.

"How you doing, kid?" Al leaned against the wall behind Erin's desk.

Erin looked up from the paperwork Voight had assigned her, "As good as can be expected, Al. I miss him."

Al nodded, "At least he's alive, Erin. The others weren't so lucky."

"I know," she sighed, "I just keep thinking about him over in Germany. He looks like shit, Al. He's like one giant bruise. And they had to bring down swelling in his brain, so he's got a four inch cut on the side of his head."

"It's tough, seeing him like that. I know," Al sat in Antonio's abandoned chair, "But when he wakes up, he's got a whole unit here ready to help him."

Al reached out an patted her hand, "Just stay positive. I've got a feeling Halstead's going to lean on you the most."

Al's eyes twinkled as he stood up and headed back to Voight's office.

Weirdly enough, Erin felt better after Al's little pep talk.

She bit her lip and bent her head over paperwork again. Maybe she'd go to the gym later. That always seemed to help her sort through her thoughts.

And if she was sorted out, she'd be even better to help Jay.

Stay positive for Jay, that was her new mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi guys, I know, I know. It's been AAAAGESS since I updated. I'm so sorry about that. But I am in school full time, and I'm interning this semester and i had some family issues. And I know excuses don't make it better, but hopefully a new chapter will!
> 
> I do plan on finishing this story, it might just take me a little time. I also have a Linstead Parent Trap AU planned so drop me a review letting me know what you think of that and if you guys have anything you'd like to see from the movie.
> 
> I have to thank rebelangel566 for the idea of Erin meeting some guys from Jay's unit and being called "Jay's girl" I kind of tweaked that idea and turned it into Erin meeting Chandler. I hope you like it!
> 
> I've got a few more chapters planned for this story and I hope you guys will stay with me while I finish it =)
> 
> Enjoy! And please leave me a review, they really make my days so much better =D


	9. Chapter 9

Erin flipped through the file on her desk. She was looking for a connection between their suspect and victim.

But her mind wasn't completely on her task.

Her gaze darted to her desk phone, willing it to ring. She just needed to know if Jay was okay. She'd been back in Chicago for three days now and it wasn't getting any easier being away from Jay.

"Hey," Voight stuck his head around the doorframe to his office, "Erin, come in here."

Erin pushed away from her desk and slipped into Voight's office, shutting the door carefully behind her.

"What's up, Hank?" she asked, leaning against the wall.

"I need you to go home," Voight said, steepleing his fingers, "You're head's not here, and I can't have you getting hurt on the job. Go home."

Erin scowled, "I'm fine! I want to be here."

"Yeah, okay," Voight scoffed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Erin pushed away from the wall and stalked to stand in front of Voight's desk.

"It means," Voight started, "I've seen you stare more at your phone in the last three days than you have in the last three years."

"That's... I'm..." Erin stuttered, "I need to know when he wakes up!"

Voight sighed, "I know you're worried, Erin. But I can't have it affecting your work. Either focus or go back to Germany."

Erin's eyes widened. Seriously? He was going to let her go?

Voight must have seen something in her expression, because he continued, "I still don't want you two messing around, but I know what it's like to have a partner in bad shape. And you've got a big heart, Erin. Don't let it get hurt."

Erin's eyes welled with tears, "I won't."

She gave Voight a watery smile and headed out of his office.

She got to the door and turned, "Thank you, Hank."

Voight smirked, but there was warmth in his eyes, "I didn't give you anything but some time off."

Erin nodded. Maybe not in so many words. But it felt like Voight had given his unofficial permission for *something.* And for that she was grateful.

Erin stepped off the plane in Germany hours later. She was so mixed-up she didn't know if it was morning, afternoon, or night. All she knew was that she needed to get to Jay's side as fast a possible.

The cab she hailed was driving too slow. She sighed, looking at the sights outside her window, but not really seeing them.

After what felt like an interminable drive, the cab pulled up outside the familiar army hospital. Erin quickly fumbled to give the driver money before jumping out and onto the sidewalk.

"Thank you," she murmured to the cabbie.

"Bitte. Ich hoffe, dass Ihre Liebsten in Ordnung ist," he replied. Erin had no idea what he had said, but she felt better.

Her stomach was in knots as she headed up to Jay's floor. Waiting for the elevator doors to open, she noticed that her hands were shaking. She sighed and shoved her hands roughly into the pockets of her hoodie.

The elevator dinged open on Jay's floor, and Erin took a tentative step out. She hiked her backpack higher up on her shoulder and leaned against the nurse's station.

"Hi, excuse me," she said, tapping lightly on the countertop.

A younger nurse that hadn't been here when Erin was last in Germany looked up, "Hello, who are you here to see?"

Her German accent was thicker than the other nurses Erin had spoken to on the phone, but it was somehow comforting.

Erin's lips quirked up into a sort of half smile as she said, "Jay Halstead, please."

The nurse smiled broadly, "Ah, you are Erin Lindsay! The other nurses tell me that you sit with Jay all night."

Erin nodded, "I did, when I was here. I had to go back home for a few weeks. But, uh, I'd like to see him."

The nurse nodded, and once she stood up, Erin could see that her nametag read 'Elsa.'

"Come," she said, waving her hand, "I will bring you to Sergeant Halstead."

Erin did a double take as Elsa handed her a visitor's tag. She had forgotten that Jay was a Staff Sergeant. She only knew him as a Detective.

Staff Sergeant Halstead, she thought. It had a nice ring to it.

She traced the edges of her visitor's badge as she followed Elsa down the hallway.

It was the second week of September, she realized with a jolt. Jay had been in the medical coma for two weeks. Somehow it felt like much longer.

"He is very lucky," Elsa said, holding the door open for Erin.

"Hmm?" she murmured absently, her gaze was already on Jay's still figure.

"To have such a loving family waiting for him to get better," Elsa clarified, "We answer calls from America all the time. Jay has a few brothers and sisters, and his father, and uncle and aunt. They call for him all the time."

Erin almost shook her head. Jay didn't have any siblings, or family that she knew of. Then she realized.

The unit.

They were all calling. The boys. Kim. Nadia. Al. Voight. Platt, even, it sounded like.

Erin's eyes filled with tears and her throat felt tight.

"Yeah," she nodded, "He's got a lot of family that are waiting for him back home."

"He will fight, then," Elsa smiled, "He knows you all want him home and safe."

She gestured to a chair in the corner, "I will leave you alone now. If you need anything, please feel free to come and find me."

"Thank you," Erin said softly, her voice cracking from emotion. Elsa simply nodded and closed the door partway.

Erin still couldn't believe everyone was calling to check up on Jay. Even Voight. That surprised her most of all.

She smiled to herself, Voight really was a big old softy.

Dropping her bag to the floor, Erin dragged the heavy wooden chair closer to Jay's bed.

"Hey, Halstead," she greeted him quietly, grabbing onto his hand, "We miss you."

Erin studied Jay's face carefully. He was tan, despite having been in the hospital. She guessed it was from the sun in the Middle East.

His hair had been cut since she had last been here. It was now back to his normal length. Erin didn't know if Jay looking more like Jay was making this easier or harder.

"Are you ready to come home?" Erin asked, running her thumb over the back of Jay's hand. There were tiny cuts marking the skin, and one longer and deeper gash going from his wrist to halfway up his forearm.

"Everyone has called here asking about you," Erin continued her one-sided monologue while cataloguing every one of Jay's visible injuries.

There was the cut across his forehead and through his right eyebrow that would definitely scar. There were the broken ribs and the smashed ankle that would need rehab. He had minor burns on his arms, legs, and back.

Jay's eyelids twitched.

Erin refused to get her hopes up. She had seen that before, and nothing had come from it.

At least it means he has brain function, Antonio had said.

Erin had agreed. But she hadn't voice that thought that Jay might never be the same when – if – he woke up.

She was going to be positive for Jay. She had to be.

Erin fell asleep in the chair, her body bent at the waist and her top half resting on Jay's bed.

Her ringing phone jolted her awake hours later.

Groggily, Erin fumbled in her pocket for her phone.

"What?" she grunted.

Voight laughed on the other end, "Geez, you're pleasant for someone who just got time off of work."

Erin sighed, sat up straight, and winced. Her neck was sore. She rubbed at it as she spoke to Voight, "You got a reason for calling at," she pulled the phone away from her face to check the time, "3 am?"

"Yeah, I do, kiddo," Voight said, "It's 8 pm here and I haven't heard from you all day."

"You were worried," Erin grinned slyly.

Voight scoffed, "I didn't say that. Just thought you'd call when you landed."

"I'm sorry," Erin said softly, "I was distracted."

"Yeah?" Voight said, "How is the distraction?"

Erin glanced at Jay out of the corner of her eye, "Same, I guess. Better. I don't know."

"He'll be fine, Erin," Voight's voice was reassuring in her ear.

Erin nodded, and then remembering that Voight couldn't see her, said, "I hope you're right, Hank."

They spoke for a few more minutes, but Erin yawned wide enough to cause her jaw to crack, and Voight finally told her that she should head to her hotel and get some sleep.

"How do you know I'm not at my hotel now?" Erin smiled.

"Because I know you, kiddo. Don't wear yourself out."

"I won't," she promised before hanging up.

Erin dropped the phone onto Jay's side table and rested her head on her palm.

"Are you in there, Jay? Can you even hear me?" she wondered.

Jay's eyelids twitched in response. Erin watched his face carefully.

She leaned forward when a muscle in his jaw jumped. That hadn't happened before.

"Jay?" Erin called tentatively.

Jay's eyelids moved rapidly and his fingers twitched under Erin's hand.

Erin didn't – couldn't – blink.

Jay's eyelids slowly – agonizingly slowly – blinked open.

"Oh my god!" Erin jumped up and shrieked, "Elsa! He's awake! Oh my god!"

Erin dropped to her knees next to the bed and grabbed Jay's hand, "Jay, Jay can you hear me?"

Jay's eyes swiveled back and forth; Erin could see that he was frightened.

"Calm down, Jay. Please just calm down," Erin begged as she was pushed out of the way by Elsa the nurse and a man in a lab coat she hadn't seen before.

They were speaking in rapid-fire German. Erin tried to worm her way back next to Jay's bed.

She couldn't get through but she heard Jay's painful grunt as the breathing tube was removed from his throat.

"Jay…" Erin's voice was small and scared.

The doctor was giving Elsa commands and Erin watched as the young nurse offered Jay a cup of water with a straw.

Jay took a long drink and coughed, splattering water on his bed.

"Is he okay?" she asked, grabbing onto the doctor's sleeve.

The man turned and nodded, "He will be fine. His breathing is good. We will monitor him and evaluate from there."

Erin let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Thank God.

"Erin?" Jay's voice was hoarse, but unmistakable.

Erin spun on her heel to face Jay, tears flying from her eyes.

"Hi. Hey, I'm here," she said, sinking down into her previously vacated seat.

Jay tried to smile, but it looked more like a wince. Erin didn't care. At least he was awake.

"Where 'm I?" he asked quietly.

"Army hospital in Germany," Erin responded holding his hand tightly, "Your Humvee ran over an IED."

"Fuck," Jay muttered under his breath, "My guys?"

Erin really wished he hadn't asked.

"Oh, Jay," she said, shaking her head, "I'm so sorry."

Jay's blue eyes immediately filled with tears, and few slid down his cheeks, falling into his hair and onto the pillow.

"I'm so, so sorry," Erin said.

Jay shook his head, "Fine."

Erin sighed, he was closing himself off. She could see it.

"Jay, you can't do this. Don't let it eat you alive," she murmured.

Jay coughed again and Erin immediately placed the straw in between his lips.

Once he had stopped coughing, Jay frowned, "Said I was fine, Er."

Erin nodded, "Okay. Maybe just get some sleep? We can talk more in the morning?"

Jay nodded, his eyes already closing again.

Erin sucked in a deep breath, watching Jay's chest to see when his breathing steadied.

He was out like a light within minutes.

With her free hand, Erin wiped the tears from her eyes. He was awake. He was alive.

He had gone through hell.

And if the look in his eyes had been any indication, it wasn't over yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: First off, the cabbie's words translated to English are :(you're welcome. I hope your loved one is okay)
> 
> Now, I'm so, so sorry for the ridiculously long wait in between chapters. I'm a terrible person. I know. I really feel bad about making you guys wait so long. I hope this chapter was worth the wait, I really do.
> 
> I'm off form school for the next month, so I'll have time to update a few more times before spring semester starts up again. I would really appreciate feedback from you guys. It honest makes my day =)


	10. Chapter 10

Now that Jay was awake and alive, Erin could relax a little bit. Since the doctor assured her that Jay would sleep through the night, Erin decided to head to her hotel room and get a few hours of sleep in a decent bed.

She pulled on her jacket and lifted her bag to her shoulder. Erin hesitated over Jay's bed.

'Aw, fuck it' she thought, bending over and kissing his forehead.

"I'll be back in the morning," she whispered, thinking about the conversation she would have to have with him. Telling Jay that his unit had died in the explosion wasn't something that she was expecting to do, but Jay had asked, and she wasn't going to lie to him.

And then, of course, there was the discussion about moving him back home for PT, or if he was going to start PT in Germany. Erin was deep in thought for the short cab ride.

Jay was going through hell, and Erin didn't even want to touch on the feelings she was having.

Erin Lindsay was the master at emotional repression, but even she couldn't deny the complete and utter elation she felt at having Jay alive and in one piece.

She had been so happy to see his stupidly gorgeous blue eyes that it had scared her.

Erin chewed on her thumbnail as she waited for the woman at the front desk to giver her a key card.

Everything that Erin had been feeling since Jay's deployment terrified her. She accepted the small plastic rectangle from the woman and thanked her.

By the time she reached the 6th floor of the hotel, Erin had successfully pushed her feelings into a box and buried them in the corner of her mind.

This was about Jay's recovery. Not her feelings.

"Hey, sunshine," Erin poked her head around the doorframe to Jay's room, checking to see if he was awake.

Jay smiled weakly at her from his position sitting up in the bed, "Hey."

Erin's smile faltered when Jay didn't say anything else. She sighed inaudibly and perked up.

"How're you feeling?" she asked gently, lifting her legs and sitting cross-legged in the chair next to Jay's bed.

Jay looked at her, "Like shit. Breathing hurts. My head hurts. Everything fucking hurts, Erin."

Erin sighed, "I know, Jay. It's going to take some time –"

Jay scoffed, "Fuck that. You don't know what this is like, Erin. So don't pretend that you do."

He hit the button to lower his bed into a laying position and angled his face away from his partner, all while Erin looked on, shell-shocked at Jay's tone.

Tears pricked behind Erin's eyes and she mentally reminded herself that Jay had been through a lot and he was definitely not going to be back to his usual self right away.

"I don't know what it's like," Erin said softly, looking down at her hands and twisting a bow shaped ring on her index finger, "But I do know what it was like back home, anxious to see if your unit was on the news, if you were alive. It sucked, Jay. Seeing the footage of your Humvee explode? I thought my heart was going to stop."

Jay cautiously turned his head to face Erin, "I'm sorry about that."

Erin laughed, "Don't be sorry, you dork! It's not your fault."

Jay shook his head and then winced at the pain, "It is my fault, Er. I was in charge. If I hadn't –"

"What?" she said, "Directed your guy to drive right over that buried IED? You didn't know Jay. You couldn't have known. So stop with the attitude and talk with me."

Jay chewed on the inside of his cheek,. Finally he said, "What do you want to talk about?"

Erin tried not to smile too widely, "Well, I can tell you that Platt caught Kim and Ruzek in the middle of hot broom closet sex."

Jay raised an eyebrow and gave the closest thing to a smile Erin had seen from him yet, "Seriously? What did she do?"

Erin grinned, "Told Ruzek to pull his pants up, no one wants to see that. Later she cornered Kim and asked her what Ruzek's gym routine looked like."

Jay snorted, "I always knew those to were gonna get caught."

"They are not subtle," Erin agreed.

Jay sighed and shifted in the bed, "How's everyone else?"

"Good. The same, really. Nothing much has changed," Erin said, shrugging.

"So, I'm the only one that's different," Jay gave a small, angry smile, "Good to know."

Erin bit her lip; saying anything to the contrary might just get Jay to go on the defense, and Erin really just wanted to keep him talking.

"I mean, Voight is okay with the whole Kim and Ruzek thing," Erin said, "So that's different."

Jay nodded, "Yeah, I guess so."

He was quiet for a while after that. Erin didn't press him.

But eventually, she said, "You know, when you woke up last night…you asked about your unit. Do you want to talk about –"

"No," Jay interrupted sharply, inhaling when he jostled his ribs.

Erin narrowed her eyes, "You have to talk about it, Jay."

Jay's jaw was set in a stubborn line, "Not today, and not ever if I don't want to, Erin."

Leaning forward in her chair, Erin said, "Keeping it inside doesn't help."

"I don't care," Jay said, his eyes glassing over, "I'm not talking about it."

Erin sighed; Jay was caught up in his memories probably. Talking to him now wasn't going to help. Instead she stood up and said, "I'm going to call home. I'll be back."

Jay made a noncommittal noise and closed his eyes.

Erin paused at the doorway and looked back at Jay. He was pretending to sleep – badly, and her heart lurched when she thought about everything he was still going to have to go through.

"How's he doin'?" Voight asked, voice even more gravelly with sleep.

Erin fiddled with the wrapper from her coke while she gathered her thoughts. It was lunchtime in Germany, but she wasn't really hungry, so her turkey sandwich sat in front of her.

"He's better," she said, "He won't really talk to me though."

Voight grunted and rolled over in his bed to get more comfortable, "It's only been three days. Give the guy a break."

Erin crumbled the wrapper into a little ball, "He has to talk to someone, Hank!"

Voight yawned. He couldn't wait for Erin to get back to the States, cause these early morning calls were killing him.

"What did the doc say about PT?" he asked, changing the subject.

Erin smiled, "Jay can fly home by Saturday."

It took Voight a minute to catch up since it was only 4am for him, "That's three days."

"Yeah," Erin said, "The doctor says he's stable enough for a flight, even the freakishly long one back home. I'm already looking into PT programs for him in Chicago."

"You're looking into the PT?" Voight said, barely keeping his dissatisfaction for his tone. Erin was getting too close to Halstead's recovery. Combine that with her reaction when he had been gone and then blown up, Voight wasn't so sure he liked where Erin's choices were leading her.

Erin's tone went icy, "Yeah, Hank. I am. Jay's going through a lot. Least I can do is help him sort through the PT."

In Voight's opinion, Erin had already gone above and beyond with Halstead. All of those days in Germany didn't come free. But he could hear the barely repressed anger in Erin's tone and he knew from past experience to back off.

Voight grunted, "Fine. Letting you know that you'd better be back at work the day after you come home though. You've missed a lot Erin. I can't sign off on anymore vacation."

Erin nodded, "Understood. I have to go. It's just about time for Jay's lunch, and I don't want him eating alone."

She said a quick goodbye and hung up, jamming the phone in her jeans pocket as she gathered her coke and discarded sandwich, dropping the turkey into the trashcan as she hurried for the elevators.

Meanwhile, over 4,000 miles away Voight was wide-awake, worrying about the new closeness between his two detectives. No matter what happened, this was not going to end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This one's a little shorter than the last, but I wanted to cut it here. I tried to get into Erin's head a little more. Next chapter, Jay will be back home and we'll have a short time jump.
> 
> How excited are you guys for tonight? Leave me reviews, PM me after the episode here or on Tumblr. It's going to be a good one. I can feel it. =)


	11. Chapter 11

Erin yawned as she slumped behind the wheel of her car. She was exhausted and frustrated and god, did she just want to scream. Instead of screaming, she rested her head against the leather steering wheel and fumbled with the car keys. She started the car, and the vibration was weirdly relaxing under her head.

"Pull yourself together," she muttered out loud, "Jay needs positivity."

Yawning again, Erin shifted her car into drive and sped down the street, heading for Jay's physical therapy place. Traffic was rough so late in the day, so the normally ten minute drive took closer to thirty, and by the time Erin parked her car in the lot of Jay's temporary home she was frustrated and ready to start fighting someone.

A small voice in the back of her head told her that Voight was right, that she was running herself ragged with all the late nights visiting Jay. But she shook that thought out of her head, and pushed open the door to the VA physical therapy center.

"Hey Kayla, " Erin greeted the front desk receptionist with a smile and a small wave.

"Hi, Erin," the young woman responded, "Jay was actually doing really well today. He looped around the building one and a half times."

Erin's grin brightened, "That's great! I'm glad he's one the mend."

Kayla waved after Erin, "I'm sure he'll be glad to see you."

Erin nodded and waited for the buzzer to sound so she could head down to Jay's room.

The entire walk there, Voight's voice sounded in her head. You're on a first name basis with the night receptionist. You're spending too much time there. Nothing better happen with Halstead, Erin.

Erin forced a smile onto her face as she pushed open Jay's door, "Hey, Halstead! How're you feeling?"

Jay was slouched in his bed, arms crossed over his chest and an ESPN report on the Bears playing on mute.

"Like shit, thanks," he grumbled, wincing as he shifted in bed.

"Geez" Erin said, dropping her body into the familiar plastic chair next to Jay's bed, "You're just Mary Sunshine today."

Jay sighed, "Sorry. It's just… I'm ready to get out of here."

"Kayla told me you lapped the building today," Erin said, leaning forward on her elbows.

"Yeah," Jay snorted, "Until my leg crapped out and I hit the floor."

Erin made a sympathetic noise, "You've only been here two weeks. It's going to take some time for everything to get back to normal."

"I hate being here," Jay grumbled, "I want to get back to work."

"Well it you're going to mope around you won't get back to work any faster," Erin snapped, sick of Jay's one-man pity party.

He frowned, "Yeah, maybe you should go. I'm not in the mood for visitors right now."

"Fine," Erin said stiffly, gathering up her bag and jacket, "Feel better."

She ignored Jay when he called after her, storming out of the PT center. She stopped when she got outside and leaned against the brick wall.

Erin bit down on her lip to suppress a sob, but she couldn't contain it any longer. Letting out a harsh breath, Erin sunk against the wall of the building, crying harder than she'd cried in years.

Erin couldn't catch her breath, so she was hiccupping and wiping tears and snot off of her face as she sat on the sidewalk.

She hadn't expected Jay to be so… angry. He was just angry all the time. Nothing could have prepared her for this complete change in personality. She knew he would probably have had a harder time adjusting, but she didn't expect him to be so damn pessimistic.

Jay was normally so happy, and positive. He was the one to cheer Erin up. She didn't have experience being the positive one in their partnership.

This was so much harder than she anticipated.

Wiping off her face, she pushed off from the ground, steadying herself against the brick. She wanted a drink, a piece of chocolate cake, and to cuddle up under her covers and sleep for a year.

Instead of driving to Molly's, she found herself standing on Voight's doorstep.

"Hey," she said when he opened the door," Have any of that cake leftover from your birthday?"

"Yeah," Voight nodded, "Come on in, kid."

He nudged the door open further, and Erin ducked under his arm, kicking off her sneakers as she walked.

Voight trailed behind her, noticing the slump of her shoulders and the messy ponytail.

Erin rummaged through the fridge, bringing out the leftover cake and the gallon of milk, without saying a word.

"You want?' she asked, holding up the knife.

"Nah," Voight shook his head, "Have at it." He dropped into one of his kitchen chairs and watched Erin cut herself a huge hunk of cake.

He let her sit down and eat a few forkfuls before asking, "You okay?"

Erin kept her gaze trained on the cake. She poked at it with one of the fork's tines, "Not really."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

Voight nodded, "Okay. Works for me. You staying long?"

Erin shrugged. She knew she didn't really have a right to be acting like a moody teenager.

So what that Jay was pissed off? It wasn't her job to fix him.

"I can toss on a movie," Voight said, leaning back in his chair, using a nonchalant tone.

Erin shrugged again. She was so tired. Tired of work, tired of Jay's mood, tired.

"Come on," Voight said, standing up and patting her shoulder, "Bring your cake inside. We'll watch a movie."

"Thanks, Hank," she mumbled, knowing sooner rather than later he would be giving her some kind of "reminder" that she and Halstead were off the table. Not that she needed one.

In Jay's current mood, he was in no place to start a relationship. Not that she wanted to start one.

Damnit, she just wanted her partner back. She wanted everything to go back to normal.

Erin woke up the next morning with a blanket that Camille had knitted draped over her body.

She sighed and stretched, "Hank?"

"In the kitchen," he called back.

Wrapping the afghan over her shoulders, Erin padded, barefoot, into the kitchen and took a seat in the same chair Hank had been sitting in last night.

"Thanks for letting me stay over," she said, pulling her feet onto the seat and wrapping her arms around her knees.

Hank turned away from the stove, "I'm never gonna kick you out, Erin."

She nodded. They were quiet for a while. Hank was cooking eggs and toast, and Erin picked at a thread in her jeans.

"Just so you know," she said when the silence became unbearable, "There's nothing going on with me and Jay."

"I know," Voight said, putting a plate of eggs in front of his daughter in everything but blood, "Eat up."

Erin did a double take, "What? You know?"

Voight sat down with his own plate of eggs, "Unless I missed something before Halstead left for duty, and I'm positive I didn't miss anything, when would you two have had time to start something?"

Erin gaped a little as she watched Voight eat his breakfast, "You're unbelievable."

Voight shrugged, "I trust you, Erin. I told you that nothing was going to happen with Halstead, and I trust that you would listen to me."

Erin immediately felt guilty for the less-than-partnerly feelings she had been having for Jay.

"So, now you gonna tell me why you showed up so late last night covered in tears?" Voight asked, leaning back to sit his coffee.

Erin shoved a forkful of eggs into her mouth to stall for time. But from the look on Voight's face, he wasn't going to let her off so easily.

Eventually, she sighed, put her fork down and said, "It's Jay. He's been…not himself since he got back."

"That's understandable," Voight said, almost gentle, "He went through hell over there."

"I thought that everything would go back to normal when he came home," Erin said, "Instead it's gotten worse."

"Have you talked to him about seeing someone?" Voight asked.

Erin shook her head, "He's so miserable with PT, he barely talks. It's all grunting."

She gave a sly smile, "It's almost like talking to you."

"Hah," Voight laughed sarcastically, "Give the kid time. He's only been back in the States for what? A week?"

"Two," Erin corrected automatically, "And then there was the week and a half in Germany."

Voight nodded, "He's just gotta get his strength back. Give him time, and give yourself some time too. You're gonna kill yourself, being over there at all hours of the day. You're getting too close."

Erin protested, "I'm not…I only go after work."

Voight pinned her with a glare, "I've seen you sneak out at lunch, Erin. Let Halstead have his space."

Erin frowned at her eggs, "Fine."

She pushed away from the table, "Thanks for breakfast. I gotta go change."

Her tone was slightly clipped, which was how Voight knew she was pissed. He wasn't around to sugar coat things for her; he hadn't when she was 15 and he wouldn't now.

Just because she didn't want to hear what he had to say, didn't make him wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the long wait. It's been a little crazy by me. We've got a little insight into Erin here, and a little with Voight. Next chapter is going to have a little bit of a time jump, just a few weeks.
> 
> I'm hoping I'll be able to get the next chapter out a little faster, but please bare with me. I'm definitely going to finish this story, it might just take a little time.
> 
> Also, OMG how amazing was last night's episode? GO BURGESS! And the Linstead moments had me screaming. :)


	12. Chapter 12

Erin stayed away from Jay for the rest of the week and by the time Sunday rolled around, she felt even worse than before. The guilt was overwhelming.

Jay was her partner. She was supposed to be there for him, to have his back, and what did she do the second it got tough? She ran away. She should have listened to Voight. Jay needed her and she needed to be there for him.

So, despite the fact that it was almost 8 o'clock at night and she had to be at work in less than 12 hours, Erin pulled her boots on and drove over to the VA.

She parked the car in the closest spot she could find ad glanced quickly at her surroundings. The car that was leaving the lot looked familiar, but other than that, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Not that Erin was worried about something or someone causing a problem, but she was trained to be on her guard by Voight, and that was a tough habit to break

Erin waved quickly to the night nurse by the front door and headed for Jay's room.

"Knock, knock," she said, poking her head into his room, "You awake?"

Jay looked up form the book on his lap and a smile spread across his face, "Hey, Er! I, uh, missed you."

He folded the page in his book and set it on his night table. Erin stepped into the room and sat on the edge of Jay's bed.

"Yeah," she said, looking sheepish, "Sorry. I…uh…. there's no excuse. But I'm here now."

"Yeah," Jay said, nodding a little, "You're here now."

They lapsed into a silence that was confortable. That was something Erin always loved about spending time with Jay; she never had to worry about filling silences.

Now, she picked at a stray thread on the blanket covering Jay's lap, "You seem…cheerier."

Jay shrugged, "Yeah. I had a conversation with…. someone. Stuff was put into perspective. I'm on the mend and my shit attitude wasn't helping anyone."

"Well, it's good to see you smiling again," Erin grinned, "I'm gonna need my backup again soon."

"I'll be back as soon as possible," Jay said, lifting the corner of his mouth in a smile.

"Working with Ruzek just isn't the same," Erin chuckled, but couldn't' help feeling like there was a slight undercurrent of forced banter to their exchange.

Jay joked, "I know, he isn't as handsome as me."

"Yeah," Erin rolled her eyes teasingly, "That's it. Intelligence's overall attractiveness level's gone down since you've been gone.

"You still have Al to look at," Jay grinned, the expression morphing into a wince as he held his side when a jolt of pain hit.

"Are you oaky?" Erin asked quickly, jumping up, ready to grab Jay anything he needed.

"Mmm," Jay grunted, "The ribs are mostly healed, but sometimes they hurt a little. Nothing to worry about."

"Good," Erin said, settling back into the chair that was next to the bed. She paused, wanting to ask Jay something, but taking a few minutes to turn the words over in her mouth.

Jay snorted, "Spit it out, Lindsay. You look like you're trying to hold a bee in your mouth."

He laughed and Erin smiled crookedly. This was the Jay she had…nope; don't think like that, she mentally reminded herself.

"Sorry," she said, brushing her bangs off of her forehead, "I was just wondering…if you had thought about…. uh…. therapy? I read that it can help with…"

She trailed off, seeing how Jay's face tightened and his eyes lost their teasing glint.

"No," Jay said, stiffly, "I'm fine and I'll be back at work without help from anyone."

"Sorry I asked, "Erin frowned defensively. She looked down as her phone buzzed.

Voight.

"I have to go," she said, standing quickly, before Jay could snap at her again.

Jay watched as Erin bolted form the room, feeling slightly bad that he was the cause of her running away. But then his side twinged in pain and he couldn't think about Erin any more.

Two weeks later, Jay was discharged. Ruzek and Antonio were the only ones available to drive pick him up and drive him back to his apartment.

"I'm glad you're back, man," Adam grinned, "Lindsay won't let me drive."

Jay laughed as Antonio grumbled, "That's 'cause you're a shit driver."

Adam flipped him off, "Shut up, Antonio. Anyway, how do you deal with never being able to drive?"

"Doesn't bother me anymore," Jay shrugged, "She's pretty damn good at stunt driving. I'm a better shot when we're moving too."

"Dream team," Antonio teased, lifting Jay's bag onto his shoulder. The trio traipsed up the stairs in Jay's building.

"You gotta find a place with a damn working elevator," Ruzek grunted as Jay unlocked his door.

"Yeah," Jay agreed, holding his side. He tossed his keys onto the counter in the kitchen, "Thanks for the lift guys. I appreciate it. Wanna beer?"

Antonio shook his head as he looked at his watch, "Wish I could, man. I've got a Skype date with the kids."

"Have fun," Jay and Adam chorused simultaneously. Antonio chuckled as he headed out.

Adam flopped onto Jay's couch, "I, on the other hand, am free and will accept beer."

"Freeloader," Jay said with affection for his best friend. He grabbed two bottles from his fridge and settled on the couch.

"When are you coming back?" Adam asked lazily as they watched the game.

Jay yawned, "Monday."

"This Monday?" Adam's eyes widened and he sat up in shock.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?" Jay asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

Adam shook his head quickly, "Nothin', nothin' at all. Just remembered though…gotta put out my trash."

He abandoned the half empty beer bottle on Jay's coffee table and bolted for the door.

Jay watched the door shut with a furrowed brow. "Weirdo," he muttered, turning his attention back to the game and his beer.

"Welcome back, Detective," Platt greeted Jay as he walked into the precinct on Monday.

He smiled, "Thanks, Sergeant. It's good to be back."

She nodded and then turned away to snap at a pair of uniformed officers. Jay shook his head to himself. Some things never changed.

He opened the gate and headed up the stairs to Intelligence. Jay was straining to hear what was happening up in their bullpen, but all he could hear was muffled whispers.

As soon as he hit the last few steps, Jay was bombarded with shouts of "WELCOME HOME!"

He startled and stepped back a little. Erin rushed forward and grabbed his forearm.

"Hey," she smiled, "Welcome home."

He offered up a slightly startled smile and scanned his gaze over all of his friends. Even Burgess and Roman were hanging around.

"Thanks, guys," he mumbled, embarrassed at the show they had put on. His desk was decorated with streamers and there were a small bunch of balloons tied to his chair. A banner was draped over the filing cabinet behind his desk.

Kim handed him a coffee and a muffin from his favorite bakery, "We're glad you're back, Jay."

He accepted the breakfast gratefully, "Thanks, Kim. I'm…uh… you guys didn't have to do this."

"We wanted to, man," Adam shrugged.

Jay looked at him with narrowed eyes, "Is this why you bolted out of my place so fast on Friday night?"

"Yeah," Adam shrugged sheepishly, "Had to make sure the girls knew to get everything ready in time."

"Well, thanks," Jay said again, noticing that, while Erin had let go of his forearm, she hadn't moved away from his side. It was nice having her there.

He locked eyes with Voight, who was standing half in his office and half in the common area leaning against the doorframe. His boss smirked slightly, but tilted his head at Jay in recognition that he was glad to have the younger man back too.

Jay nodded back, thinking about the conversation that had taken place between him and Voight back while Jay was still staying at the rehab place. He consciously took a slight step away from Erin's side.

Erin didn't notice; she was deep in conversation with Antonio about which was better, chocolate or almond croissants.

Al looked over at Voight, wondering just what the older man had said to Jay. No one in the unit was blind to the chemistry between the partners, except maybe Ruzek. Voight caught Al's eye and subtly shook his head, indicating he wasn't going to talk about it.

Finally, Voight spoke up, "Okay, okay. We're all glad to see Halstead back in Chicago, but we were working a case." He looked at his team as they continued to eat and drink, "Get back to work!"

The younger members of Intelligence, Jay, Erin, Adam, Kim and Roman, scrambled back to their desks, pastries in hand. Kim and Roman jogged down the steps, hoping to avoid Platt's wrath for being missing for a time.

"Erin," Voight barked a little, "Take Halstead and check out the sister."

Erin smirked at Jay and grabbed her coat, "Ready to go?"

He finished off his coffee, "Can't wait."

And he really couldn't.

Being driven to a possible lead's home by Erin Lindsay was just the perfect bit of normal that Jay had been craving ever since he had left for Fort Lee.


	13. Chapter 13

"What the hell is going on here?" Voight thundered, stomping his way towards the ambulance. He stopped short, worried about his people.

Erin frowned up at him, holding a reusable ice pack to her right eye, "Hank, it's not-"

Voight cut her off, "Erin, I want the truth and nothing less." He looked around Erin and saw Jay further back in the ambulance, resting on the gurney, eyes shut but looking pained.

"What the hell happened, Erin?" he snapped again, planting his hands on his hips.

Shifting the ice pack off of her eye and giving Voight a good look at the shiner that was developing, Erin sighed, "It's really not Jay's fault. I should have known. He...um...it was a car backfiring."

Hank shook his head, "A car backfired?"

Erin dropped her volume so Jay couldn't hear, "Hank, he thought it was a gun. He thought he was under attack."

She heard the sadness and slight pity in her tone and hated it. She knew Jay would have to be suffering some form of PTSD. She should have known that he couldn't jump right back into work. God, she felt like a rotten partner - a rotten friend.

"So he heard the car backfire," Hank clarified, "And what? Clocked you in the face?"

"Basically," Erin shrugged. "It happened really fast. The car went off, Jay got this weird look on his face and rounded on me. I shouted and he kind of shook out of it. He's been a mess since."

Hank frowned and dragged one hand over his face. This, this is what he had been afraid of when Halstead came back to the unit. It had been too early, in his opinion. Now, Jay was fighting off PTSD and punching Erin in the face.

"Okay," he said finally. "EMTs give you the all clear?"

Erin nodded, shifting the ice pack on her face. "I can take a couple Advil later and I'll be bruised for a bit. But other than that, mo lasting damage."

"Good," Hank reached out the squeeze Erin's shoulder. "Get home then. Take the day. We'll handle the case."

"No," Erin said firmly. She dropped the ice pack to the ambulance's bumper.

"No?" Voight raised an eyebrow. "You disobeyin' an order, Lindsay?"

"I'm not leaving Jay," Erin frowned and stood up, swaying only a little. "He's my partner and it's my job to look after him. He needs us now."

"And if he has another episode?" Voight scowled. "You gonna coddle him?"

Erin narrowed her eyes and scowled right back at her pseudo-father. "If that's what helps him get better," she spat. Hank didn't have a minute to react before she climbed up into the ambulance and sat on the gurney next to Jay.

She spoke so softly, no one but Jay could hear her.

"Hey, you ready to go home?" She didn't touch him, since that could trigger another episode, but she wanted so badly to hug him tightly.

Jay blinked at her, "God I'm so sorry, Erin. I...don't bother with me. I'll just-"

"Get in the car so I can drive you home," Erin cut him off with a small smile. "My eye doesn't even hurt. So come on. I think you need to rest."

Jay's whole body felt heavy. Maybe some rest would do him good. He nodded.

"Okay," he sighed, too tired to fight her further. Erin reached out to grab his forearms to help him sit up, but stopped short, her hands hanging limply in midair.

"Is it-?" she asked awkwardly, suddenly very aware that Voight and the EMT were both watching their interaction.

"Yeah," Jay shrugged. The worst of the episode had passed. Erin pulled him up and they slipped out of the ambulance. Voight stepped to the side to let them pass. He caught Erin's eye and frowned slightly, just so she would know that he wasn't happy about her decision. She set her mouth in a firm line, letting him know exactly how *she* felt about his actions.

She supported Jay on the short walk to her car, his arm around her shoulders even though he was perfectly capable of walking on his own.

Voight scrubbed a hand over his face as they drove off. These two. Nothing but problems.

Erin ordered a pizza and ran out for beers while Jay napped on her couch. She was as quiet as possible, moving in and out, that way nothing would disturb Jay. She felt so much sympathy for him. The look of sheer terror in his eyes just after the car had backfired was something she would never forget.

Erin hated that Jay was suffering, hated that he had to relive his time at war. It wasn't fair that he couldn't even leave the fight where it belonged, overseas and far away from Jay. He should have been able to come home and step right back into Intelligence without any problems.

"I smell pizza," Jay yawned, waking up from his nap and startling Erin from her thoughts. He sat up on the couch and stretched his arms above his head. He looked calmer and less freaked-out, which Erin took as a good sign.

She needed him as calm as possible for what she was going to tell him.

"Yeah," she said, dropping onto the couch next to him, plates in hand. "I figured you might be hungry. You slept for a while."

Jay couldn't quite meet her eye. "Thanks, Er. I appreciate it."

He snagged a slice of pepperoni covered pizza and bit into without another word. Erin took her own slice and nodded, "I've got your back. I'm always looking out for you."

The side of Jay's mouth quirked up a little in recognition, but he didn't say anything. Instead, the partners sat in comfortable silence broken only by the occasional laugh track on the sitcom Erin had tuned the TV to earlier.

They'd each had two slices of pizza before Erin decided to broach e subject of hr thoughts with Jay.

"Um, I know you probably don't want to hear this from me," Erin started, fidgeting with the napkin in her hand. "But, i have to say something."

Jay frowned. He knew where this was going. He would've had to be blind and deaf not to. So, he stayed quiet and let Erin talk.

"I think that you should talk to someone," she said quietly, but firmly. "Today shouldn't have happened. I'm not blaming you, Jay." she said quickly, before he could get angry, "But you went to war. You got blown up. Jay, you need to talk to someone.

Jay sighed. "Okay," he said simply.

"I know going to therapy isn't 'manly', but it's-did you say okay?" Erin stopped and backtracked.

"Yeah," Jay nodded. "I said okay. It's been tough for me to sleep and punching you was...I feel like a jackass. I need help."

"Oh," Erin was slightly speechless. She hadn't expected Jay to agree so easily.

"I can talk to Dr. Charles at Med," she said finally. "He might know someone good."

Jay just nodded again, and even though he had agreed to talk to a therapist, Erin knew he wasn't going to say anything further to her now.

As they continued to watch crappy comedies, Erin smiled to herself. Jay could get on the road to mental recovery and she was proud of him for that.

Jay hated therapy.

Hated it with a fucking passion.

He'd been talking to the therapist Dr. Charles he recommended for almost three weeks now, and he hadn't been allowed back to work for those three weeks.

It sucked.

He slumped back on the stiff leather seat, "So what are we talking about today, doc?"

Dr. Lee was a tiny, soft spoken Asian woman. She was unassuming, especially to Jay who could probably pick her up and throw her across the room easily. But she had the extremely freaky talent of looking at Jay and seeing right through him. She knew when he was lying and when he was telling half truths. It was probably a good trait in a therapist, but Jay found it to be unnerving, like he was being cut open and poked at.

"Well, we could talk about Erin," Dr. Lee said, leaning back in her own chair.

"Erin?" Jay repeated. "Why Erin? She doesn't have anything to do with my PTSD."

Dr. Lee pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow.

Jay sighed, "She's my partner. She's the one that convinced me to go to therapy."

"So she's supportive of you?" Dr. Lee asked, scribbling something on her notepad.

Jay shrugged, "Yeah. She's a good partner."

Dr. Lee made a humming noise. "And you've never considered crossing the line."

She said it like a statement, but Jay heard the underlying question.

He wanted to lie, God help him. But, Dr. Lee had those X-Ray eyes and he heard himself saying, "I've thought about it, yeah. But..." he cut himself off, not wanting to drag Voight into this whole thing.

"But what?"

Jay rubbed a hand over his face. He wasn't going to get out of this one.

"You know Hank?" he muttered finally.

"Your boss," the therapist stated.

"Yeah, him. He, uh, when Erin was a teenager, her mom drinks a lot. Her mom's actually a piece of shit. So, Voight took Erin in. He's basically her dad."

"And does that affect their working relationship?"

Jay shrugged, "I mean, sometimes, yeah. But he's got a thing about in-house romance."

Dr. Lee hmmed thoughtfully, "And he's warned you off of Erin?"

"Not...not exactly," Jay thought back to the night, so many months ago now, that Voight had come to visit him at the rehab center. "He actually warned me that Erin's messed up with relationships, that she doesn't mean it, but she uses guys and then pushes them away."

"So he was concerned for you," she pointed out.

Jay nodded, "It was weird. Voight's usually gruff, angry. But I don't know, maybe he took pity on the guy that was just blown up."

He laughed, finding that he could joke about the explosion without feeling that dark hole of grief and anger open up in his stomach.

Jay's phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out to see a message from Erin.

"We're over?" Jay asked. "Erin's waiting outside. We have an engagement party to go to. Our co-workers." he answered the doctor's unasked question.

Jay had gotten in the habit of not standing up until the doctor did, but when she sat in her chair, thinking for longer than usual, he cleared his throat.

"So, uh, I'm gonna go?" he hitched his thumb in the direction of the door.

"Do you think Erin might speak with me for a few minutes?"

Jay's mouth dropped open in shock. "Erin? You want to talk to Erin?"

"I do. I think it could be an interesting insight into you and how you can continue to heal," she smiled placidly. "I have a few minutes now, if she doesn't mind."

"I'll...uh ask her," Jay frowned in thought. "Give me a minute?"

His therapist nodded and Jay headed out to the parking lot.

He reappeared five minutes later with Erin in tow. She was a little confused, but willing got talk to Jay's therapist if it helped him get back to work sooner.

"Hi," she said, holding her hand out so she could shake Dr. Lee's. "I'm Erin Lindsay. Jay said you wanted to talk to me?"

"I do," she smiled, and Erin though she looked harmless enough. Dr. Lee turned to Jay and said, "Would you mind waiting out in the waiting room, Jay? I'd like to chat with Erin alone."

Jay's eyebrows raised towards his hairline. Erin looked at little shocked too, but she caught his eye and they had a silent conversation. He ended up shrugging and saying, "Okay. I'll be waiting here."

Jay jumped to his feet when Erin came out of the room fifteen minutes later.

"Well?" He demanded, falling into step next to her, "What did she say?"

Erin smirked, "Doctor/patient confidentiality, Jay."

"Erin. That's not fair. She's my therapist," Jay complained.

She grabbed his hand and dragged him along, "Just give it up, Halstead. I'm not telling you what she said."

Jay grumbled, "Fine, fine. Then let me drive at least."

Much to his surprise, Erin handed him the keys without and argument. Huh, he thought, maybe therapy was good for Erin too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the insane waits between chapters. I don't even have that good of an excuse. I'm just terrible. But thank you to everyone that's sticking around and continuing to review. I really appreciate it.
> 
> Ill be be starting work tomorrow, so updates will be a little while, lol what else is new? Seriously, drop me a review, they make me work faster.
> 
> I think we could be looking at 1-3 more chapters. I have to look at my outline (let's be real, that went out the window ages ago!)
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter :)


	14. Chapter 14

Jay curled up on his couch, shaking. Tears streamed down his cheeks, pooling under his face and soaking into his couch pillow. He had to get up, get ready, get to work. But his body was paralyzed, frozen in place. He wasn't even sure what had triggered the panic attack this time, but it was bad and he couldn't move.

"Jay?" Erin's voice, muffled, broke through to his anxious mind. He could hear her knock on the door and he desperately wanted to call out to her. But he couldn't. He trembled more and curled up, protecting his body from imaginary threats.

His breathing hitched and he tried desperately to get enough air into his lungs.

Erin knocked on the door again, chewing at her lip. When Jay didn't answer, she sighed and flipped through her key ring, looking for the copy of Jay's apartment key. She pushed the door open and immediately saw Jay curled up on the couch.

"Jay?" she panicked, rushing forward and dropping to her knees next to the couch. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Jay shook his head, "I can't…" His breathing was shallow and erratic and Erin's eyes went wide. Her hands roamed his body, searching for a physical wound, when Jay gasped, "Panic attack."

"Oh god," Erin mumbled, "Jay, Jay look at me. Look at me, okay?"

Jay turned his head and looked at Erin. She blinked at him quickly, before cupping his face in her hands and pressing her lips to his. Her thumbs brushed over his cheekbones and she held the kiss until she could feel his breathing steady. He relaxed under her touch and closed his eyes, nearly ready to lean into the kiss until Erin broke away from him.

Their faces were less than an inch apart and Erin looked down at his lips quickly. "Better?"

"Yeah," he whispered. "What was that?"

"It…I…" Erin hesitated; her own heart was pounding in her chest and her palms were sweaty. "You held your breath. Holding your breath is a kind of quick way to get rid of a panic attack."

She shrugged, aiming for nonchalance. But with her face just inches from Jay's and his gorgeous, warm eyes staring into her own, she caved. Erin let out a little whimper and lunged forward, pressing her lips to Jay's again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him harder.

Jay responded a moment later, looping his arms around Erin's waist and holding her close. He deepened the kiss, tracing her lower lip with his tongue. Tightening his arms, Jay pulled Erin off of the floor and onto the couch with him, maneuvering until she was horizontal on top of him.

"Jay," Erin moaned his name, breaking away for a second. He pressed hot kisses to her neck.

"Jay, wait, seriously," Erin laughed, finding it really hard to concentrate.

"Erin," Jay said her name seriously, looking up at her with dark eyes. "I am finally making out with you on my couch and you want to stop? You'd better have a good reason."

"Unfortunately, I do," she sighed, resting her forehead against his. "It's Voight. He's…you know he won't let us."

"Dammit, Erin," Jay growled. "I got blown up and Voight's still getting in the way? Also, I'm going to remind you that you're the one who kiss me."

"I know," Erin mumbled. "I know. I couldn't help myself."

"I'm just that irresistible," Jay grinned, waggling his eyebrows. Erin laughed and swatted at his chest.

"I just walked in on you having a panic attack," Erin pointed out. "Are you even ready for a relationship? You're making so much progress in therapy, but you've been home less than a year, Jay."

Jay winced at the reminded about his therapy and rubbed at his forehead. Maybe it was time to tell Erin what Voight had warned him about.

"Er," he said slowly, "I'm okay. But, if Voight's going to be a problem in this relationship, you should know that he came to visit me in PT once."

Erin smiled, still leaning on Jay's chest, "That's good! I mean, he does like you Jay."

"Yeah, maybe we should sit up and have this conversation," Jay said gently. Erin frowned, but shifted off of Jay and sat cross-legged on one end of the couch. Jay sat on the other end, facing Erin. He sighed, "Look, I know you're worried about me, and I appreciate it. But, Voight, he….uh….he expressed some concern about you."

"Me?" Erin's eyebrows raised and she pointed to herself.

"Yeah," Jay said reluctantly. "He, uh, he worried that you were going to…aw, damn. Fucking Voight putting me in this position."

"Jay." Erin snapped, "Tell me what he said."

"Fuck," Jay grumbled. "Well, he said you're kind of flighty in your personal life. That you 'love 'em and leave 'em."

Erin narrowed her eyes. She shook her head. "I can't believe he said that," she muttered disbelievingly. "I gotta go."

She jumped up from the couch, quickly pulling her arm away when Jay tried to grab her. She stormed through the door, slamming it hard behind her. Jay just blinked at the door. He dropped his head to his hands, "Oh, fuck."  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Flighty?" Erin burst into Voight's office, quickly shutting the door behind her. Hank looked up from his file and just looked at Erin.

"Sure, Erin, I'm not busy, come on in," he said sarcastically, closing the file and dropping it to his desk. "What's the matter?"

"You told Jay I was flighty," Erin stabbed at the air. "He stopped…" she broke off. No matter how angry she was at Hank, she wasn't about to tell him that she had Jay had been making out on the couch like horny teenagers.

Hank narrowed his eyes at Erin, "Whatever I told Jay was for his own benefit. Erin, he's healing. He doesn't need to jump into a relationship. And you do have a history of leaving men in a worse position than you found them."

"That's different!" Erin shouted, slamming her hands on Voight's desk. "Jay is different!"

"Don't yell at me, Erin," Voight snapped. "I need two detectives working at full capacity. I don't have time for you adding a distraction to Halstead on top of his issues. "

"You can't tell me who I can date, Hank!" Erin said. "I'm not 15 anymore."

"You're gonna stand here and honestly tell me that you're not going to get tired of Halstead or push him away if things get too serious?" Hank said, not unkindly. "He's still recovering. He needs support and are you going to be able to offer that?"

"Yes!" Erin said emphatically, "I'm his partner. We have each other's backs."

Voight shrugged, "Look, Erin, you're a grown woman. Halstead's a big boy. If you want to start a relationship, fine. But if it ends badly, I don't want high school antics in my squad room. And you're not work partners if you move forward with this."

"Jay's different," Erin said slowly, not really talking to Voight anymore. She thought back to the lonely months while he'd been gone. She'd had Severide, and the unit. But it hadn't been the same. Kelly wasn't Jay. No one was.

Jay was missing and when he wasn't around, she didn't feel whole.

"I hope for both your sakes that he is," Hank said.

Erin frowned a little and then ground out, "I've been in therapy, Hank. I've been talking to someone. To try and – try and deal with Bunny and my dad and all of my issues. I'm better. I'm not the same screwed up kid you took in at 15. I'm really trying."

Hank's posture softened and he tilted his head in acknowledgement, "I'm glad, Erin. I hope the therapy's been helpful. Frankly, it's been a long time coming."

Off of an eye roll, Erin laughed wryly, "You're one to talk, Hank."

But she smiled at him warmly and he smiled back, giving her a quick little nod. Erin took the signal and headed back out to the bullpen to sit at her desk and start work for the day. Hank watched her as she booted up her computer and flipped through the files on her desk, Erin completely unaware that he was watching her.

The line of her shoulders was less tense, he saw, and her face was less pinched. Maybe Jay was good for her, maybe therapy was working. He hoped Erin found her happiness, because after her childhood, Erin deserved it.

He thought about the trauma that Jay had experienced and amended his thought process to include Jay in the category of deserving happiness too.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey," Erin called softly as she entered Jay's apartment with the key she was supposed to have given back. She pushed the door shut behind her, the clicking sound of the lock making everything feel a little bit more monumental.

"Hey," Jay poked his head over the back of the couch and gave her a small smile. He looked tired and she wondered if he had gotten any sleep before she had walked in on his panic attack earlier in the morning. She knew he hadn't gone into work.

"I brought Chinese," she held up a brown paper bag as evidence.

Jay nodded in acknowledgement and shifted on the couch so there was room for her. Erin kicked off her boots and dropped her jacket to the floor. Jay wrinkled his nose.

"You're a slob," he said, affection creeping into his tone. Erin simply grinned at him and shoved a container of orange beef into his hands.

They ate in comfortable silence for a little bit before Jay cleared his throat. "So. You and Voight okay?"

Erin chewed on her lo mein for a minute and nodded. "I think so. He…uh…we fought a little, but I think we're okay. You know us, it's explosive and then we're back to normal."

"Is that healthy?" Jay wondered, poking his chopsticks into the container Erin was holding in search for a piece of shrimp.

Shrugging, Erin sighed, "I don't know. But it's the way we do things. I don't want to talk about Hank, Jay."

Before he could answer, Erin cut him off, "I think we need to talk about us."

"There's an us?" Jay asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I want there to be," Erin said honestly. She put her container on the coffee table and adjusted to sit cross-legged facing Jay. "When you left…I was, I missed you so much. I couldn't stop thinking about what I would do if something bad happened."

"I'm fine," Jay said, cupping Erin's cheek in his hand. She leaned into his touch and closed her eyes.

"When you came home, I knew I wanted to be with you," she whispered. "But, Voight and his stupid rules. I know that I can be… difficult. I know I have a bad history with men. But I want you to be different. That's why I agreed to talk to Dr. Lee. She's helping me sort out my issues with Bunny and with my dad and I think I'm doing really well."

Jay's eyes danced over Erin's face and he could see that she was lighter, more at ease with herself.

"Good," he said. "Bunny's, well, she's toxic to you, Er."

Erin nodded against his hand, "I know. But, in my sessions with Dr. Lee, I realized that you're different. Jay, I want you to be my forever."

Jay leaned forward, closing the distance between them, and kissed Erin soundly. His hands cradled her face and she leaned into his touch. Erin's hands looped around his neck and she gently scratched at the nape of his neck. He deepened the kiss and Erin responded. When they broke apart a few seconds later, the apartment was silent except for their breathing.

"Huh," Erin murmured, her forehead leaning against Jay's.

"Huh what?" he questioned, thumbs brushing against her cheek. He didn't want to move away from her at all.

"I think we might have some chemistry after all," she joked, smiling widely.

"Unbelievable," Jay laughed, shaking his head a little. He pulled Erin into a hug and she let him. They stayed like that for a few beats, the gravity of what they had just done finally sinking in.

"So…" Erin said.

"What…" Jay said.

They laughed and jay motioned for Erin to go first. She chewed at her lower lip, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious even though Jay was her best friend.

"Just…are we a thing now?" she asked, tentatively.

Jay grinned, "Hell, yes. Erin, we are 100% a thing." He leaned forward to kiss her deeply, as if solidifying the deal. Erin looped her arms around his neck and leaned into him.

They didn't talk much for the rest of the night.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6 months later:

'To Kim and Adam!" Erin toasted, lifting her beer into the air.

"To Kim and Adam!" the rest of their coworkers from CPD and the firehouse echoed Erin's toast and lifted their own drinks in the air.

The newly engaged couple laughed and grinned as their coworkers toasted them, eventually kissing briefly due to the chant Jay and Casey started. Hank shook his head, feigning annoyance at the in-house romance that was plaguing his precinct. Between Burgess and Ruzek's engagement and Halstead and Lindsay moving in together, Hank'd had to rearrange the partners when they all went out. But one look at his four detectives and the content looks on their faces made Hank realize it was all worth it.

Erin leaned into Jay's side, her arms wrapped around his waist and her chin resting against his shoulder, "Hey, boyfriend."

Jay grinned down at her, "Hey, girlfriend. You want another beer?"

"Nah," Erin shook her head, "I'm already feeling a little buzz and I'm trying to be better about my drinking."

She'd cut back seriously on her drinking since she and Jay had become official, recognizing that the alcohol was helping her to bury feelings and thoughts that she'd learned to let out during therapy. Erin had found that without all the extra booze in her system she was a better cop, a better friend, a better girlfriend and Jay definitely deserved the best girlfriend.

Erin watched as Jay stepped away to talk to Mouch and Herrmann, his vacant spot at the bar next to replaced quickly by Kim.

"Who would've guessed that Jay going back to the Army would've been the best thing that happened to you two?" Kim said quietly, a small smile on her face that showed the good intentions behind her comment.

"Not me," Erin laughed lightly. "But I'm glad it did."

Jay looked over and caught her eye, shooting her a broad grin and a wink. Erin smiled back, knowing that the two of them could conquer the world together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *waves* Hi guys! Wow has it been a long time since I was in the CPD world. I truly feel awful about the obscenely long wait for this story to be finished. I have a very bad habit of starting stories and posting them without having an actual ending in sight.
> 
> To be entirely honest, I'm not sure that this was the original ending I had planned, sure Jay and Erin were going to end up together, but I think I originally had more angst involved. But CPD lost my interest a long time ago, I didn't watch last season at all and the season before I only watched occasionally. Those writers have *a lot* of issues with the show and I couldn't stand the stupidity anymore.
> 
> I did want to finish this story at some point though and I'm glad I did eventually get there. I hope that those of you out there still interested in this story can forgive me and enjoy this final offering from me :)
> 
> I do have the Parent Trap AU still unfinished and I would like to finish that some day, but I wouldn't hold your breath for an update.
> 
> So for now, this is my CPD swan song. It's been a wonderful ride and you've all been such a fantastic fandom. Thank you for all of your reviews and support. I'll look back on my time with CPD fondly. :)
> 
> I would love to chat with you guys about CPD, this story, my other fandoms, anything really. Please shoot me a review and/or a message. :)
> 
> Thank you again! *kisses*
> 
> -A

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Okiedoke, my darlings. Here it is, by first ever foray into the world of Linstead. These two idiots have captured my heart since episode 1 of CPD, and I finally decided that it was time to write them.
> 
> Like I said, this is my first time writing them, so I really, really need and want your feedback on my characterization. I'm aware that the whole "Halstead gets called back to the Army" plot has been done before. But I have a different plan for this story, and I really hope you guys like it. I'm also aware that it's short, but I wanted to get this out there to see what I'll need to fix for future chapters.
> 
> Just two days until more Linstead =)


End file.
